When I was young, I felt like an outsider.
I thought I was different and for some reason,
I believed every bad thing that happened was my fault.
I thought I was forsaken.
I thought I was unwanted and unlovable.
These thoughts, feelings, and beliefs
led me to wear a mask of a fake smile,
to supress my anger
and burn myself out pleasing others.
yet rarely myself.
My lack of love for myself
Faith for myself
Belief in myself
and my self worth
left me in darkness.
Like the darkness of a cave deep in a mountain.
My eyes saw shadows.
My world was black or white.
They saw only good or only bad.
They focused on the bad because good
was thought to be unattainable
for this dark, demonized Soul.
attract more hurt and pain.
They attract suffering with
what seems like no end.
It left me tired depressed and wanting to give up.
I desperately wanted it all to end.
Desperate for change
and a knowing deep inside
that I was not what everyone else had said I was.
A knowing deep inside
that there had to be another way.
A knowing that if darkness existed
then light had to too
and a desire to use my pain for purpose
and to turn my knowledge into wisdom,
I decided to leave my cave of darkness
and begin the journey
to unknown places because anywhere
was better than where I had been for so long.
Abandonment, rejection, attachment issues, exclusion, irrelevancy
and constantly being underestimated were some of the challenges
I would have to face on my journey to get comfortable
with being uncomfortable
and to build a different perspective on the actions
and behaviours of myself and others.
I walked and walked.
I fought my insecurities, my ego and my demons
telling me I would never succeed,
that I would never win,
that I should just give up and go back to what I knew.
My determination and will to keep going was rewarded
as I met a stranger huddled in a grotto on my journey
to something better.
The stranger had retreated to the cave to regroup.
He was tired and overwhelmed; he had returned to the cave
to be reminded of his higher purpose.
He told me tales of overcoming obstacles,
a world full of colour and rainbows,
and of wounds healing.
He gave me a gift of advice that kept me curious enough
to keep moving forward.
“We all have the power to transform our own reality”
The stranger decided to join me
on my journey out of the dark mountain
as he told me the light and a new way of thinking
was not too far ahead.
The stranger did not have to go too deep into the cave
for his darkness anymore.
He just visited from time to time to find the lessons in his hurt
and transmute his darkness to light.
He told me I had done the hardest part of the journey alone
and I had made the hardest decision by myself.
To seek change.
He said, “When you want better, you do better.”
He told me he saw a spark inside of me that was getting
brighter by the moment.
He taught me about reciprocity
and how because long ago
someone had saw something in him
that he could not see himself and led him to his light
that it was his responsibility
to pay it forward and accompany me
to support me in the change that was to come ahead.
The stranger was helping himself
by helping others.
He was being of service to humanity and a higher purpose.
Through our conversations,
I started to understand there were reasons
that I was the way I was.
I started to see there was nothing wrong with me.
I was me and it was okay to feel the way I did.
I did not know better
but now that I knew better I must do better.
As I gained a better understanding
I was filled with a knowledge
that everything that ever happened to me,
happened for me and made me me.
My wounds, suffering, pain and hurt were my teachers.
They taught me what I will and will not accept.
They taught me boundaries.
They taught me I was worthy of love, respect, and acceptance.
They also taught me the most important lesson.
I had been seeking love, respect, and acceptance
from outside sources instead of within.
I could see the light ahead and
I was filled with
benevolence, ease, and grace.
Gratitude filled my heart and the darkness
faded away and suddenly seemed so far behind me.
The stranger stepped aside as my eyes adjusted and said
“You will be ok,
You can and you will,
No road is wrong, they will all teach you something.”
“Now that you have found the light
your darkness will always be filled with
lessons and you must use your pain for purpose.”
“Its okay to go back to the cave to regroup but don’t
stay too long and when you do visit the cave
should you encounter someone like yourself
seeking to switch on a light,
Share your knowledge,
For it is power and meant to be shared.”
Be the light you know you are, and were always meant to be”
I thanked the stranger and wanted to somehow repay him for his kindness.
He replied it was not necessary.
His reward was knowing
he had assisted someone on their
Journey of BECOMING.