Tag GBVDisruptor

 I wrote this a few years ago for another website that no longer exists. I thought it was an appropriate time to share it again. 

    When I finally decided to break free from the cycle of abuse that I had put myself in and open my eyes, I started to change.  I started to see that I no longer wanted to be treated bad no matter what anyone said.  I had been conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just take it, but I have not been very good at that. I learned that keeping my mouth shut and just taking the abuse made me very sick (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually).  I learned that I could only take so much abuse before I became a ticking timebomb, a virtual volcano, complete with spewing lava and I learned that I can be not so nice when backed into a corner.
     At first, I was running because of fear. I was afraid, but you see I wasn’t afraid my ex-husband would abuse me again. I was sure of that, 100% guaranteed. I knew that if it actually came down to it I was very strong, and he would not hurt me ever again. What I was afraid of is that he would suck me back in with his victim-conscious thinking and the blame game working on my guilt and my demons.  I was afraid that he would say he would change and start to and I would see the good in him again (the lost little boy I wanted to save), and I would go back to try to see it through and lose everything I had just gained in my new-found independence. 
     To completely break ties since the court did not seem to take 15 charges seriously I picked up and moved down the highway to the shores of Lake Ontario and near the big city. In order to this I had to leave everything I felt comfortable with behind, except my personal belongings.  I had to sell my home that I had possessed for 16 years with my children very quickly and got screwed royally.  I had to leave my Grandmother and Father who lived around the corner, my children and my granddaughter to have a new life. A life to begin rebuilding my safety and security to finally heal from all my trauma. 
     This was huge for me.  I was an isolated person that really only went out into the big bad World once and got shit on badly. Every time I wanted to do something to help others I ended up more hurt.  I did not have a solid support system around me to do the things I had done.  When I moved I knew very few people (like 3 people where I lived). I felt like a new kid in school in grade one with very bad social anxiety and extremely socially awkward.  I honestly at 45 did not know how to act around people.  I had been isolated with my children and I had quite honestly never grown up, I had just managed to get by.  I had become my Son’s friend, not their Mother.  So, I had to start learning about who I really was and what I really wanted.  It was time for a paradigm shift.  I had never met someone that was like me until I met someone who from the moment I met him felt like my real brother, my real family (ironically, he has the same birthday as my real brother). My new-found brother welcomed me into his family and made me feel included.  He warmed my heart by telling me he didn’t care for me because of what had happened to me, he cared for me, who I actually was and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like the cover girl for RAPE.  He accepted me, all of me and made sure I knew I was not just an abused Woman. I was strong and courageous and brave.  I had had very little encouragement in my life and the little bit he gave me allowed me to rebuild my confidence and start to come out of my shell.  I started to spread my new tattooed wings and fly a little. I feel like a baby bird, just learning but hey at least I’m trying. Because of my new Brother I met some other people in his family and one older gentleman changed the way I looked at my whole life.  He had FTWBIFU tattooed on his fingers.  I inquisitively inquired like I always do.  I knew the FTW was “Fuck the World” but what were the other 4 letters.  He told me “Before It Fucks You.”  I thought well the World already fucked me so now I’m gonna go for another round and win this time.  He also told me one time when I was really feeling lonely and I said my biggest fear was being alone that
“when you are alone is when you learn how to get shit done”
    I started to think about my life and even though I had the boys I had always managed to get shit done.  Me, I had done it, alone.  My previous husband’s and the father of my oldest Son had certainly not helped me one bit.  They did not get my degree working full time.  They did not keep the roof over my kids’ head.  They did not have to deal with all the problems of being a street Mom. I had done it all. I had raised my boys (now 21 and 24) mostly alone (grandparents did help out a bit). I fed and kept track of all their friends and even though I placed myself in a self-imposed prison I accomplished it all.  I also broke free.  I broke free or spoke out every single time I was abused, and I realized I needed to start loving myself and acknowledging my successes instead of dwelling on every failure or mistake I made.
Every mistake I may think I have made is actually a blessing in disguise, because I have learned from it.  I have learned what my boundaries actually are, what I will accept, what I won’t and I have accepted that life won’t always be rainbows and lollipops but I am finally attracting the people in my life that I always wanted because I am finally being myself and it turns out there are some out there that actually like me for me.  A straight shooter, who will tell it how it is, love me or hate me, I guarantee I can make you laugh….

If you have experienced violence and/or abuse in any form please remember you are not alone and there are others who understand. 

When in conversations about gender-based violence (GBV) we automatically conjure up images of physical brutality.  Violence is often thought of as overt. An assault to your physical being.  With this kind of violence there is usually some sort of proof.  A broken bone, bruises, a black eye, or even scars.  There is physical damage from this type of violence. Damage you can watch heal with your own very eyes.  When the wounds are healed and you can no longer see the bruises or when the cast is gone and you can use your arm again, those around you will think you are okay now.  They fail to see the psychological damage that is done to the person’s psyche.  The wound that takes longer to heal.  The injury to their Soul that leaves them wondering what is wrong with them. 

As a female non-Indigenous settler growing up on Anishinaabe territory of the Mississauga’s in Ontario I have experienced many different aspects of gender-based violence. From a patriarchal father who thought boys were of more value, sexual abuse in sea cadets, military sexual trauma, sexual assault, abusive marriages, domestic violence, and plain assault.  I have been demeaned and revictimized for standing up and speaking out for myself and others.  When speaking out about abuse in the Canadian Armed Forces I was told I was “a black mark on Canadian history” and “the worst thing to happen to the CAF” by older men who thought that Women had no business serving their Country and were there for their pleasure. I was chastised and belittled by my local police department when trying to keep safe from my abusive ex-husband who already had 15 charges. I had many judgements imposed upon me for being a single mother without a consistent support system.

The psychological trauma I have faced throughout my life for being a Woman has been more detrimental than any assault to my physical being.  I have been objectified and put in a box with a label like a present just for being a Woman. I have been used, abused, and thrown away like a disposable paper plate but I do not go away.  I am judged by my looks, what I wear and how I act consistently. I am objectified for wearing things that make me feel good but make other people feel uncomfortable. 

The whole problem started with the conditioning by my parents of “what a good girl” consisted of and what they knew about gender conformity.  I never felt like “just a girl” and they could never explain it to me.  My brother was eleven months younger than me and I could never comprehend why he got to do some things, but I could not because “I was a girl.” I never understood why I could not play football because “I was a girl” and encouraged to become a cheerleader. I could not understand why my other girlfriends thought this was ok.  I have done and accomplished much in my life.  Graduated high school, served my Country, raised 2 sons basically alone, owned a home for 16 years, got a Nursing degree while working full time and raising those 2 sons, and I left 3 abusive marriages. However, in my Dad’s eyes I will never be as amazing as my Brother. In my family my brother could do no wrong and I could do no right.  This left me with a constant desire to prove myself to my Father to my own detriment so now my desire is to prove to myself that I can persevere and continue this quest called life. 

When I think of gender-based violence I do not think about the military sexual trauma or the domestic abuse, the demeaning, or the belittling for being a woman, I think about the barriers and limitations that were put on a young girl that kept her from discovering who she truly was because she was too busy fighting the stigmas attached to gender conformity.  I think about how it feels to think “maybe if I was a man, they would help me, listen to me or believe me” I think about the young girl who is constantly underestimated, misunderstood, and called things like overdramatic and crazy just because of her gender. 

I think about how males and females are equal, complements of each other. I think about how the job should be based on ability to perform and qualifications to do so, and long for the days when gender is not a barrier. I long for the days when women find their voices and the words “because you are a girl” are never spoken again.  I choose to believe that one day we will all see each other as family and encouragement and acceptance of all will be the way.  Women’s voice will be heard. The masculine and the feminine will unite and gender-based violence will become a thing of the past, like cannibalism.

-Renegade Lightworker

All views and opinions are mine and mine alone and it is my hope you view them with an open mind and an open heart.