Victim, Survivour, Hero

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

background beach blue cave

The Tale of the Cave

When I was young, I felt like an outsider.

I thought I was different and for some reason,

I believed every bad thing that happened was my fault.

I thought I was forsaken.

I thought I was unwanted and unlovable.

These thoughts, feelings, and beliefs

led me to wear a mask of a fake smile,

to supress my anger

and burn myself out pleasing others.

yet rarely myself.

My lack of love for myself

          Faith for myself

          Belief in myself

and my self worth

left me in darkness.

Like the darkness of a cave deep in a mountain.

My eyes saw shadows.

My world was black or white.

They saw only good or only bad.

They focused on the bad because good

was thought to be unattainable

for this dark, demonized Soul.

Negative mindsets

attract more hurt and pain.

They attract suffering with

what seems like no end.

It left me tired depressed and wanting to give up.

I desperately wanted it all to end.

Desperate for change

and a knowing deep inside

that I was not what everyone else had said I was.

A knowing deep inside

that there had to be another way.

A knowing that if darkness existed

then light had to too

and a desire to use my pain for purpose

and to turn my knowledge into wisdom,

I decided to leave my cave of darkness

and begin the journey

to unknown places because anywhere

was better than where I had been for so long.

Abandonment, rejection, attachment issues, exclusion, irrelevancy

and constantly being underestimated were some of the challenges

I would have to face on my journey to get comfortable

with being uncomfortable

and to build a different perspective on the actions

and behaviours of myself and others.

I walked and walked.

I fought my insecurities, my ego and my demons

telling me I would never succeed,

that I would never win,

that I should just give up and go back to what I knew.

My determination and will to keep going was rewarded

as I met a stranger huddled in a grotto on my journey

to something better.

The stranger had retreated to the cave to regroup.

He was tired and overwhelmed; he had returned to the cave

to be reminded of his higher purpose.

He told me tales of overcoming obstacles,

a world full of colour and rainbows,

and of wounds healing.

He gave me a gift of advice that kept me curious enough

to keep moving forward.

“We all have the power to transform our own reality”

The stranger decided to join me

on my journey out of the dark mountain

as he told me the light and a new way of thinking

was not too far ahead.

The stranger did not have to go too deep into the cave

for his darkness anymore.

He just visited from time to time to find the lessons in his hurt

and transmute his darkness to light.

He told me I had done the hardest part of the journey alone

and I had made the hardest decision by myself.

To seek change.

He said, “When you want better, you do better.”

He told me he saw a spark inside of me that was getting

brighter by the moment.

He taught me about reciprocity

and how because long ago

someone had saw something in him

that he could not see himself and led him to his light

that it was his responsibility

to pay it forward and accompany me

to support me in the change that was to come ahead.

The stranger was helping himself

by helping others.

He was being of service to humanity and a higher purpose.

Through our conversations,

I started to understand there were reasons

that I was the way I was.

I started to see there was nothing wrong with me.

I was me and it was okay to feel the way I did.

I did not know better

but now that I knew better I must do better.

As I gained a better understanding

I was filled with a knowledge

that everything that ever happened to me,

happened for me and made me me.

My wounds, suffering, pain and hurt were my teachers.

They taught me what I will and will not accept.

They taught me boundaries.

They taught me I was worthy of love, respect, and acceptance.

They also taught me the most important lesson.

I had been seeking love, respect, and acceptance

from outside sources instead of within.

I could see the light ahead and

I was filled with

benevolence, ease, and grace.

Gratitude filled my heart and the darkness

faded away and suddenly seemed so far behind me.

The stranger stepped aside as my eyes adjusted and said

          “You will be ok,

           You can and you will,

           No road is wrong, they will all teach you something.”

“Now that you have found the light

           your darkness will always be filled with

           lessons and you must use your pain for purpose.”

          “Its okay to go back to the cave to regroup but don’t

           stay too long and when you do visit the cave

           should you encounter someone like yourself

           seeking to switch on a light,  

           Share your knowledge,

           For it is power and meant to be shared.”

          “Now go,

               Be the light you know you are, and were always meant to be”

I thanked the stranger and wanted to somehow repay him for his kindness.

He replied it was not necessary.

His reward was knowing

he had assisted someone on their

Journey of BECOMING.                                                                       

-Renegade Lightworker

photo of cave during daytime
Photo by Athena on Pexels.com

The Tale of the Wizard

The Tale of the Wizard

I met a Wizard on a cold February night being initiated by his own with a set of wings. I did not know he was a Wizard at that time, but I did know he was someone special.  I went to see the Wizard at the tattoo shop because I wanted my own set of wings. Wings that symbolized freedom, breaking free from the confines and conditioning of this materialistic world. Wings that represented overcoming trauma and abuse and that reintegrated the different parts of my personality so I could finally see myself as whole.

I wanted rainbow wings with words in the long feathers and I wanted them to cover my whole back. The Wizard and I discussed my vision and the meaning behind my tattoo. He was honoured to be doing them and to assist me on my healing journey.  I remember him saying he was excited to be doing them. I watched the Wizard draw up magnificent wings, make stencils and place them perfectly on my back.

I straddled the chair and he started to tattoo me, and I tensed up. I started to realize that I could not see or know what he was doing, and I needed to trust this man I had just met and relinquish full control to his artistic abilities while enduring intentional infliction of pain.

This was when I first had a hint that he was magic. The Wizard seemed to sense my tenseness and inability to relax so he decided to put some music on.  He started to play “ELO Live at Wembley” and by the third song I started to relent, relax, and trust the process.  I left that day with a full outline and fully committed to getting them done as fast as possible and sensing I had just met someone that had magical capabilities and a way of just knowing.

The Wizard spent 23 hours from 27Feb18-25May18 magically placing my rainbow wings on my back. The words LOVE, HONOUR, SACRIFICE, RESPECT, TRUTH, LOYALTY SYNCHRONICITY AND COURAGE grace the longer feathers in teal for PTSD and Military Sexual Trauma.

In my time in the Wizard’s chair, I learned so much about life. He listened to me non-judgementally, offered amazing advice and had an insight into things because he was aware and paid attention. I found out the Wizard had won an award at 5 years old for art submitted to the Olympic Games, had been an art teacher and had saved 3 peoples lives in a house fire in Brighton. He was well travelled, knew many people and followed his dreams despite what others said.  Turns out we did not grow up that far from each other either.

The Wizard was supposed to do a cover-up of my cartoon-like Pinocchio ship on my lower back, but he refused because I had injured myself quite badly. I thought the Wizard was upset with me, but he just wanted my body to heal, and he knew no matter how much pain I was in I would still want to be tattooed. Later that year he did give me a beautiful black ghost like ship with a lighthouse to give me “Heaven and Hell” on my back.  The wings were heaven, and the black ship was the long boat ride down the River Styx if you piss me off.  I am a cusp baby, born on the cusp of opposition. Libra/Scorpio.

I enjoyed spending time in the Wizard’s chair. He always knew what music to play or what show to put on to calm my nerves and make getting stuck with a needle millions of times seem pleasant. There was one time he had Moana on the TV for me to watch and empowering female rock music playing as well.  The conversation was stimulating, and he did not get mad if I asked stupid questions. He told me I was not just his client; I was his friend.  

Every time I was in the Wizard’s chair, I saw pictures of him and the guys from Sum 41. I tried to meet Sum 41 at Montebello Rockfest to show them my wings the Wizard had instilled on my back and instead of meeting them, I got to have an amazing chat with Avril Lavigne’s mother, which I did not figure out until after she was whisked away on a cart (I had wondered why she wanted a selfie with me but would not let me take one with her).

While the Wizard was doing my MerAngel I wrote my speech for the Supreme Court that I would give during my testimony for the Sexual misconduct class action lawsuit.  It was also during my MerAngel that I had my vision. While driving and listening to Uriah Heep “The Wizard” I saw my Wizard (looking slightly different) standing in a cave with potion bottles on a desk with scrolls and fire coming out of his hand. I texted the Wizard when I got to my final destination and told him the tale of my vision and he was happy I shared it with him.

One of the biggest lessons I learned from the Wizard was about relationships. He told me that it is a “relationship not ownership.”  I knew that people often look at others as objects or possessions and that was a perfect mantra for me to break free from the grips of those that saw me as a trophy or a prize. The ones that loved me but truly did not love themselves so were incapable of loving me the way I needed to be loved. The Wizard taught me to respect myself and that some people actually do listen without judgement.

We had many philosophical conversations during my Angel Archer tattoo which I got on my nerve damaged arm because his friend/Brother reminded me “No pain, no gain.” I have been encouraged and supported by the Wizard in so many ways. The Wizard does not just tattoo me, he brings the image to life on my body.  There are priceless works of art done by a Master Wizard on my skin. My wolf and my dragon really are friends on my leg, talking to each other. My poppies blow in the wind and Morrigan looks fierce and reminds me I am a force to be reckoned with.

My adversity has made me resilient, and the Wizard has been able to picture this accordingly. The Wizard has provided magic no doctor or therapist could ever provide. He listened to me and made my ideas even better, then left them permanently in ink on my body forever.  The Wizard has also introduced me to some amazing people that I have gone on to develop friendships with because he knows I have a hard time meeting new people, so he introduces me to anyone that comes in the shop when I am there.

I know my body only has so much room for tattoos (although I told the Wizard I was not going to stop until I was a rainbow) so I asked the Wizard if he would be willing to give me art lessons. My creative abilities with arts were very juvenile and I saw so many scenes I wanted to recreate.  To my delight he agreed, and I am finding my inner artist due to helpful hints, suggestions, and encouragement from the Wizard (and a little help from my inner child.)  The Wizard respects me for who I am, who I have been and who I will become. He accepts me for me. I feel like the Wizard is helping me grow up, guide me through the dark night of the Soul and his friendship has allowed me to find myself. I feel like I knew the Wizard in another life and meeting him in this one, was no mistake.

International Women’s Day 2021

I wanted to write an academic paper about International Women’s Day full of statistics about domestic violence, sexual assault and gender barriers.
Then I wanted to write out a long thank you honouring every Woman that has encouraged and supported me along my healing journey. I wanted to acknowledge all of the special Women I have met and their contributions to Society. I have met Women who have been firsts in their field. I have met Women that defy all odds. I have met Women who have overcome huge obstacles with grace and dignity. Every Woman that has ever served her Country is a Warrior,  no matter the capacity in which they served, they are a Hero in my eyes. 
Counselors, Doctors, friends and my Veteran family have aided me in so many ways and I am so very grateful for each and every one of them.
However on this International Women’s Day I want to honour my late Mother, Sue.
We had a tumultuous relationship. I was the firstborn. A daughter, with a brother following 11 months later.  At 19 years old after already having her own traumatic past she set out raising the both of us with my father.  They were wed 11 days after her 18th birthday in a small ceremony when she was already 4 months pregnant with me. 
My Mom did the best she could with what she had.  I could not see this for most of her life. She had a grade 8 education and was barely an adult when she was all of a sudden raising 2 children. She was the youngest of six children and her brothers and sisters treated her like a baby, even when she was older. They treated her like she couldn’t think for herself,  like she didn’t know what was good or right for her.  I always felt like my Mom was trying to make them proud but they wouldn’t see it. They only saw everything she did wrong. My Mom’s mom died when I was 10. I found out on my 10th birthday. She had died the night before.  This was my Mom’s breaking point. She had been drinking more and more since my baby brother was born when I was 8 and the depression hit hard after Grandma was gone.
We lived with our other Gramma. My Dad’s mom.  5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment above her. I shared a room with my brothers until I was 16.  I watched my Mom and how she treated me and I judged her. I blamed her. I hated her. I wanted to be anybody but her daughter.  I was a self-absorbed teenager that wanted to be noticed in my family and could not see that my Mom had her own issues. 
As an adult I can look back with hindsight and wish things were different but see them for what they really were. 
My Mom was suppressed for years. She was not allowed to truly be herself. She was barely an adult when she met my father  and had already been through things no young woman should ever have to go through (prostitution, incarceration). My Mom made choices, some turned out good, some turned out bad, just like me.  She made the best of some pretty shitty situations and kept moving forward.  I thought I was the reason she drank, the reason she was so unhappy and in turn I blamed her for my unhappiness and my issues. 
My Mom and I finally started to have a good relationship and enjoy each other’s company. We finally started to understand each other and communicate when I realized it wasn’t her fault, she did the best she could.  Truth is my Mom didn’t know how to be a Mom, just like I didn’t have a clue raising my Sons.  Took me over 40 years to see my Mom for who she really was. An amazing beautiful Soul with a huge heart and stunning smile.
My Mom started over after 35 years of marriage. She got her own place and finally got to discover who she was and what she wanted in life. She had friends and traveled a bit. She had a family in AA, as she was sober for almost 26 years when she passed.  She lost most of her sight due to diabetes and had painful laser surgery to correct it enough she could see things. She had terrible pain, used a scooter, had chronic lymphocytic leukemia, congestive heart failure, neuropathy, kidneys at 10%, broke her hip and had a mini-stroke but she kept going. She did the best she could every day.  She kept journals and every newspaper clipping I was ever in.
I didn’t realize what a difference my Mom had made in people’s lives until her funeral.  The people that showed up and told me how my Mother had made a difference in their life. I couldn’t see my Mom because I couldn’t see myself.  I was so busy not wanting to be like her, blaming her and resenting her that I couldn’t see how truly amazing she was. When my mind was focused on the negative and my own trauma I only saw the bad. When I started to have the same issues with my Sons as I gave my Mom I suddenly realized that she was never to blame.  As I got older and progressed on my healing journey I came to find that it doesn’t matter who broke you, or who is to blame, it is your responsibility to fix yourself.  My Mom fixed herself and because she did that she was able to assist others on their journey.  The Woman I never wanted to be now inspires me to be the Woman I choose to be today. She may be gone from this Earth but she still walks with me every day as I learn from the time we did spend together and the lessons I was too stubborn to learn because I was absorbed in my own trauma.
My Mom led by example. She fought til the very end and she left this world independent, courageous and brave. She proved she didn’t need anyone but herself and that she could make good decisions and she lived her own life her way.
My Mom is my hero, a real Angel and I am going to be the best me I can possibly be to honour her memory and to provide an example for my granddaughter.
Hurt people hurt people, healed people heal people. My Mom was living proof of this and my Mom made me. I am the Woman I am today because of her and I finally accept and love the Woman I was, am and choose to become. 
Happy International Women’s Day to every Woman out there. May you find happiness,love and peace on your path to finding yourself.

In Memory of
Susan Ann (Harrison) McIlmoyle
April 25,1954- October 19, 2015

I was a caterpillar

I was a caterpillar,
crawling through life;
when I found a beautiful plant
and spun my cocoon.
As I metamorphasisized
and grew my wings,
I thought about
how grateful I was,
for the hibernation.
For I had only experienced life
from one perspective.
When my wings had grown,
The struggle began
as I broke free from the confines
of my cocoon.
I thought of how the fight and the change;
no matter how hard it was,
no matter how much it hurt,
no matter how much pain it caused,
was going to be worth it.
I was no longer
going to see the world
just from the ground.
When the time finally came
and I spread my wings,
I could fly.
Bright, bold and rainbow
I used my wings
to fly high.
I let the wind
blow me around.
I was happy.
I needed to learn,
and then when I
established control,
I could see from above
and
I could fly down below and
I could sit on
a plant like before.
I could see the world
from 2 different
perspectives,
and it allowed me
to be free.
The watcher and
the experiencer.
The best of both worlds.
Once I could fly,
I never once
looked back on
the struggle in the cocoon.
I had a whole new way
to look at everything.

After a Break Up

My friend knew I was experiencing some emotions after a bad breakup and suggested I tell myself what I would tell a friend experiencing the same thing and to have compassions for myself. I wrote this after we had our conversation.

A letter to a friend experiencing what I am going through or my daughter if I had one. 

I know you are hurting, and you feel so foolish for having feelings for someone that obviously did not see you the way you saw him.

I know your heart feels like it has been ripped out and stomped on the floor and like you have been stabbed in the back.

I know you gave your everything to someone that was not capable of loving you the way you deserved to be loved.

I know you feel abandoned and rejected.

I know he left you with a bitter taste in your mouth, feeling jaded and not good enough.

I know you believed every word he said and feel stupid for believing his lies.

I know he hurt you very badly in ways no one should be hurt, and he took advantage of your kindness.

I know he used you like a blow-up doll and thinks he got away with it.

But Baby Girl, Girlfriend,

You are a Goddess, A Warrior, A Valkyrie

And none of this is on you.

Because I also know,

You are beautiful,

You are resilient,

You are intelligent,

You are wise,

You are knowledgeable,

You are brave,

You are courageous,

You are fearless

And you are everything he is not.

You have integrity, you have respect.

These are things he will never have, and he hurt you because he knows that. His behaviour and his actions are a reflection on him, not you.  You did nothing wrong.  Believing in someone, loving them, and accepting them completely is not wrong. Seeing the good in them and their inner child is not wrong. Accepting unacceptable behaviour is wrong. 

He preyed on your kindness, put you down for being too good.  He told you that you were too emotional and made you feel bad for things you should never have felt bad about. He tried to make you think your friends were not your friends and then when it all went bad and he got caught, he put it all on you.  Shamed you, blamed you as if he were completely innocent and did nothing wrong.

So, listen to me,

Remember who you were, are, and will be.

Feel the pain, learn the lessons but do not dwell there for too long for he does not deserve those tears you cry. Your energy is much better spent working on making yourself the beautiful light of truth that you are.

You my Queen, will rise again like a Phoenix, move on, and live your life to the fullest with many new experiences. You will change and grow with every new lesson. You will not succumb to stagnation.

For you are pure awesomeness and you will always adapt and overcome.

I know you; I see you

I am here for you

Believe in yourself, Love Yourself the way you always wanted to be loved and Fly like the Angel you are.

Love Always,

A person who has been there and cares……

Reflections part one

This is me and my brother Andy. His birthday is 8 days before mine and we are what is known as Irish twins. Born within a year of each other.
Now the reason I am posting this is because I see a serious flaw I would like to point out. My brother has his dukes up. He was taught that, to be a little fighter and believe me, him and I got into some pretty crazy battles so I learned quick. When we were young my Dad would put the boxing gloves on us and then we would fight. When I started to win it was game over. Couldn’t have the girl beating up the boy. Then Andy got taught he should be a lover not a fighter… Yah well this isn’t about him so we can stop right there.
I got to sit in the background as the girl and hear all these things but I was expected to put on the dress and act differently. It’s un-ladylike to want to fight, it’s not very girly-girl to act that way. So from the start there was a double standard I have had to fight. I have fought so hard to get where I am. I have fought to expose the truth, I have fought to find myself and I have fought for the rights of others to be treated fairly. I have fought for love, love that wasn’t even worth fighting for because fighting was what I knew. I had to fight myself to finally love myself. I am the black sheep of the family for doing what is right because it’s the right thing to do and it’s OK. I cannot fit into a World I was not meant to fit into.
I was taught to be passive, submissive, unasserting, non-resistant, docile. meek, non-aggressive and afraid while my brother got taught right from the start to be dominant and aggressive. Had I not had my Brother I would not have learned how to be a fighter. I also thought that as a girl watching Disney someone was going to rescue me but nope, had to do that myself as well.
I am learning that while I still need to stand up for myself, it is OK to not fight the battle, just let it go as well. Feel the pain, surrender to it and deal. It’s not pretty but the other side sure is…. The other side of the pain, when you realize how beautiful and worthwhile you are, what your value is and the only person you need to impress is yourself.

Respect

I could be your Sister,

I could be your Cousin,

I could be your Daughter,

I could be your Mother,

I could be your Aunt,

I could be your Grandmother,

I could be your wife/girlfriend/significant other,

I could be your friend,

I could be the girl next door,

I could be your boss,

I could be the homeless Woman,

Or

I could be the girl on the street looking for a better way.

I could be all these things

For as a Woman

I represent all of these.

I ask you, “when you see a woman,

         What is the first thing you think?”

Most people notice the attraction factor which judges

Their perception as they see the Woman as an object.

“She’s high maintenance”

“She’s hard to handle”

“Hit her and quit her”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Yet it is subject to likes, wants, and desires.

True beauty goes beyond the outside shell.

True beauty comes from within.

The shell of the human body is like a car

And what really matters is under the hood.

The parts you do not see,

Unless you take the time to lift the hood

And see the mechanisms of power.

If I was not seen as

an object,

a prized possession,

A trophy,

something to own,

And instead seen as a human being,

Complete with experiences, feelings, and emotions.

Then you may start to see me as a Woman

And someone you can relate to.

We judge appearances, looks, hairstyles, fashion, and sexuality

And continually look for acceptance and reward

From others.

Diminishing our true selves just to fit in.

Our desire to compete and want what others want

Leads to mindless consumption and the desire

To be someone else takes us far from

Our natural state of self-enlightenment.

This leads us to worship those who we see as “better”

Then ourselves and not to delve deeply into who we really are.

You choose to see me based on your

Attitudes, values, and experiences,

But imagine seeing ME.

Not my face, or my body

But seeing me as someone you care about.

Would you treat your grandmother, mother, sister, niece, or Aunt

The way you are about to treat me?

Ask yourself what is the difference?

Why does one woman deserve your love and affection and yet someone you have never met deserves your judgement and disdain.

We are all related.

We are all one.

We are all the same.

We are unique cells in a multi-organed vessel

         Called Mother Earth.

We need to find the love.

We need to find the peace.

We need to evolve and end the cycles of hate and war as war does not bring peace.

I want to be respected

As do most Women.

Those that do not want respect have been

Taught they do not deserve it.

They have submitted to their objectivity and cannot see

         Their value and worth.

They do not have self-love and have not been taught to forgive

         Themselves for the shame they feel for this submission

         And repeat the cycle continually.

They have boundary issues and do not know what respect feels like. 

Acceptance of self is of utmost importance,

Yet in this competition fueled, external reward filled,

         Addiction-loving world

Seeks acceptance form everywhere but self and within.

Respecting yourself and knowing what you need

         Starts deep within and requires listening to your

         Inner voice.

Not the voice of others trying to program you with their own

 conditioning and programming.

Your opinion is the only one that should matter to you.

Would you call your mother those names?

Would you point out all your grandmother’s faults to her?

Would you rape your sister?

Why would you do it to another woman?

See the sameness in them.

Respect the Feminine.

Women give life, they give comfort, they have wisdom/

Women have compassion and see the cycle that needs to

         Be broken.

All Women have a right to be respected

         In the way you respect your family members.

If we saw everyone as connected and family

We may be more willing to overlook what we do not understand

         And make more of an effort to learn.

@renegadelightworker

-Dawn McIlmoyle

Healing Ourselves While Healing the Water

Ecopsychology:

Healing the water through healing us

For: Professor James Wilkes

By:  Dawn McIlmoyle

Class: INDG 3631

Introduction

     One only has to look at a Globe of the Earth or a map of the planet to see that we are a world full of water.  Mother Earth is covered in Water and it has been told that in the beginning before the Earth was even a habitable place it was all Water.  There were many creatures living in the World of Water however no humans (D. Longboat, 2017).  The Creation story holds many valuable lessons but one of the most valuable is that Mother Earth has provided for us everything that we have ever wanted or needed (D. Longboat, 2016).  If I were to paraphrase Professor Dan Longboat (2017) for the three rules of Creation I would say they are to be good, kind and loving and respectful to all your relations; to be good, kind and respectful to all of Creation and let it be your teacher; and Be thankful for all things that keep life going in a cycle and sustain us. In an introduction to Indigenous Environmental Studies course I was taught that we are taking things for granted.  Our physical bodies, our minds and our environment.  Our health has a direct correlation to our environment (D. Longboat, 2016).  If we are degrading ourselves and our environment then how are we showing honour to the Creator and all things yet to come.  If we do not live responsibly than what will be left for our children, grandchildren and their children.  The coming generations are what is most important, what will be left for them if we continue the path that society is walking.  When considering Mother Earth and our Environment the most important thing we need to remember are the 5 R’s which are relationships, respect, responsibility, reciprocity and restoration (D. Longboat, 2016).

     It is my humble opinion that our Mother the Earth is suffering because she is not being thanked and not many people are grateful for her sacrifices.  So many people take from the Earth and they never give back.  How exhausting it would be if people were constantly giving their time and energy but never receiving anything back.  If people did their jobs but never got paid they would constantly complain and probably not go back to that work environment.  What makes the Earth any different?  Could you imagine someone digging your insides out and not caring, not even using anaesthetic.  Our Water is becoming polluted at an alarming rate and most people are taking it for granted as if clean water is a given and will always be here.  More and more people are turning to bottled water and paying money for a resource that has always been here and should be appreciated.  Water has been turned into a commodity for enjoyment and pleasure.  You only need to go to a lake on a weekend in the summer to see what Society has done to our beautiful waterways.  Water is not being appreciated because people do not see what it is for.  This paper will discuss the importance of water and how it can be used to heal people.  Water deserves reciprocity.  Water gives the Earth and Creation so much vitality and it is rarely appreciated. It is the writer’s opinion that more and more people are getting sick physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, because the Earth is sick.  By returning to nature and giving the proper thanks for the wonderful gifts it gives us may be a turning point.  Mother Earth is suffering.  Her blood is polluted and her guts are being exorcized.  This paper will attempt to show that by respecting the Water and learning about it we can use Water in a reciprocal relationship and by healing the Water we can heal ourselves. This paper will be restricted a Canadian Indigenous view of our Mother Earth and water.  I will attempt to weave relevant literature which will lead to an ecopsychological viewpoint of how we can take Indigenous Knowledge of the Water and benefit all human beings that are in need of repair through such things as mental illness and PTSD.  Our Mother is out of balance and society is out of balance so if we (Human Beings of the Earth) could restore balance and harmony to nature and make it feel important than perhaps we could save Mother Earth and all of humanity. This can only be done by through the intimate knowledge of Indigenous people and the lands they care for.

Research

In 2010 a paper was commissioned by the Atlantic Centre of Excellence of Women’s Health and the Prairie Women’s Health Centre of Excellence by Kim Anderson where she interviewed eleven grandmother’s who were of First Nations, Metis and Inuit decent.  This paper will be the basis of my literature review as I discuss the topics brought up by these traditional knowledge holders of this beautiful Country we call home.  The body of this paper starts with a lovely quote from Grandmother Jan Longboat about how “Water is life.”  The direct quote from her is:

            “Water is what sustains us.  Water is what brings us into the world, and water is

              what keeps us in this physical world.  And so, it’s our life. – Jan Longboat p.9”

Water comes in many forms and I think many people forget this.  It is a well-known fact that our bodies are made of water and that we will die if we do not have access to clean water.  I do not need to reference this as it is something that every person should know regardless of race, religion, gender, age or prestige.  When a child is born into this world it enters the world with a rush of water before it.  Its amniotic fluid yes but it is the water of life.  According to J. Longboat in K. Anderson (2010) everything that our spirit in this world needs is contained in the water in the womb. Your feelings and thoughts right from conception are with you in the womb.  Grandmother Pauline Shirt also adds that when you are in the womb with the water for the gestation period and you are taught and cared for by the person carrying you.  Your mother.  When you are born she states that the spirit of the water helps with the birth and the child flows out like a river.  Water is life as it sustains the baby in the womb and helps with the delivery, it is also in the breast milk and colostrum as soon as a baby is fed upon birth.  The biggest thing I noticed when reading these teachings was about how the baby was washed and cared for when coming into this world.  I have had two children and watched many born and in the hospital, they did not really wash the baby down.  The nurse grabbed a wet cloth and wiped enough to make the infant clean but that was it.  It is the mother’s responsibility for that first bath and it is usually not easy without guidance.  The Grandmothers discuss how important it was for ceremony and medicines with the birthing process and that because water is spirit it can be used for medicine (Anderson, 2010)

     Women are the water keepers of our Mother the Earth, although this is mostly only acknowledged in Indigenous societies (McGregor, D, 2008).  It is well known that the World has been fighting water issues and have made some big policies as I found discussed in White, Murphy, and Spence (2012}.  What I have discovered in much of the research I did on Indigenous Women and Water in Canada is that they are very excluded.  There have been many commissions done about safe drinking water in Canada and many studies done (White, Murphy, & Spence, 2012; McGregor, 2012; LaBoucane-Benson, Gibson, Benson, & Miller, 2012).  It is alarming to me that when knowledge is sought about water in the Communities by the Canadian Government and legislating bodies they do not ask the women.  The men are approached for their stories of the Water and what it means to them.  Men do not have the same connection to water however it is just as important to them.  Upon visiting our class in 2017 an Elder named Solomon Wawatie spoke of how the DNA of Indigenous people is in our rivers and lakes, ponds and streams.  It is the very blood of our Mother and filled with the spirit of its original inhabitants.  In one paper it is discussed how colonialism has resulted in leaving Indigenous peoples feeling powerless over their positions and futures.  Because of colonialism and society becoming patriarchal women have lost their positions.  The Indian Act and residential schools only added to these attitudes that women in Indigenous societies were not important (LaBoucane-Benson et al., 2012). This paper also includes teaching but from a male Indigenous perspective but includes the information about how we all need to come together and work as a community collectively with no distinction.  It is even stated how children of the coming generations need to work with Western and Traditional Knowledge if we are to have hope for tomorrow (LaBoucane-Benson, 2012). 

     As a non-Indigenous settler to this territory I have realized how important water is to our environment and this literature review was eye-opening for me.  Continuing in Anderson (2010) we find Grandmother Josephine Mandamin speaking of how Water is sentient and Water forms relationships. Grandmother Jean Aquash O’Chiese in Anderson (2010) points out the relationship between the water in our bodies and the water on our Mother the Earth and the interconnectedness.  Life is dependant on all of these connections.  They are what sustain us continually.  Many of the Grandmother’s also pointed out that water is changeable.  It can carry different energies and different spirits.  Grandmother Pauline pointed out that all water is special just like people, it all has different purposes and different work to do.  The Grandmother’s point out in this article that in the past people knew the purpose of the different waters and who was to enter them and who wasn’t.  What was sacred and what wasn’t (Anderson, 2010).  Water is now a commodity that most people have no clue where it originated from or what they are putting in their body.  One of the Grandmother’s commented on how anything that is put into plastic is dead so essentially it is my belief that bottled water is doing nothing but killing human beings because we are drinking something that the spirit has been taken from. 

     Water is being taken from Indigenous communities and diverted so that Cities can have clean water.  Indigenous people are being denied access to clean water at an alarming rate whereas people who have no clue what the water means are just abusing it.  Shoal Lake First Nation Reserve #40 has not had clean water for over 20 years and it is only recently anyone is doing anything.  A few documentaries have been done on this Reserve and how the city of Winnipeg has clean water but they do not.  An interesting one to watch where Shoal Lake #40 is mentioned is Colonization Road done by Firsthand and CBC Canada. (http://www.cbc.ca/firsthand/m/episodes/colonization-road).  White, Murphy, and Spence (2012) point out the paradox Canada has in what they even view as what safe drinking water is.  Committees and policies are adapted throughout the Country for people without even asking the people.  Indigenous people are often left out of decision processes because of colonialist practices. Environmental discrimination is a well-known fact to Indigenous people and has many references in this article however the main point is that the Canadian Government has created a dependency and is now limiting growth.  They pour money into projects with little or no thought as to the process of such things or who should be involved (White, et. Al., 2012; McGregor, 2012; McGregor 2008).

Water as Medicine and for Healing     

     Anderson (2010) then goes on to discuss that Water can Heal and what it takes for the Water to be able to keep sustaining us.   Grandmother Ellen White is quoted as saying:

            “Water will agree to help you with anything you ask of it.”

                                                                                    -Ellen White p.21

Water is often used to cleanse us when we are dirty and in this way, it protects us from harmful bacteria and things that may make us sick.  Water is often used in ceremonies for protection and cleansing of spirits.  This paper references Grandmother Ellen White saying that people used to ask for protection from the water and then dunked themselves in it four times (Anderson, 2010 p. 22).  While attending a Full Moon ceremony at Curve Lake First Nation a Grandmother told a teaching of how she had asked for an answer for menopause and the answer was in the water.  I do not have permission to use the exact teaching so I will not go into detail about it.  Suffice to say it was the first time I truly realized that water was for more than drinking and bathing.  In an Indigenous Studies class I started to attend in the fall of 2017 we had a visiting Elder Grandmother Shirley Williams and she spoke of how the water was always important to her and when she was in mischief as a youth her Elders sent her to the water.  She said she learned so much from the water and it had a profound impact on her life.  

     Water carries spirit; therefore, it is just as alive as you and I.  Water can hear and if you listen water will talk to you.  It is explained in Anderson (2010) that we can get negative energies entangled in our own and when we bathe, shower or go to the water we can ask it to wash away these energies.  This reminded me of when I have heard people say they need to wash their sins away when they have had indiscretions.  This must be done in a respectful manner though.  You could not just get in the water and ask away for a million things.  There is no respect in that.  This is where Reciprocity comes in.  If someone asks you to do something in a manner where it is an order and there is no thankfulness in it you would most likely not want to carry that out.  You may do it grudgingly and then hold a resentment against that person because that is the way society is conditioned.  The water will clean us, it will nourish us and it will be there for us whenever we want and it does this without asking for anything from us.  However, one only needs to look at the condition of the water anywhere in the world and you can realize this isn’t free.  The water is suffering and not many people who are not close to the land can see this.  As a little girl I can remember seeing the pollution in the water and knowing it did not belong there.  This was 40 years ago when we could still swim whenever we wanted to.  The lakes and rivers were not polluted to the extent that they are now.  I was never taught that water was important but I knew it was and I had a connection with it.  I have conducted mini social experiments with women and water on my own and not in a scientific manner.  I have asked women who know nothing about Indigenous culture or traditions to explain to me what water means to them.  I have not had one woman yet tell me that water does not bring them peace and tranquility.  Many women tell me that when they are sad they often go to the water and one of the most interesting things I have learned is that when some women are in pain they seek solace in the bath.  It reminded me of a childhood commercial where the woman is in a bathtub with bubbles and soap saying “Calgon take me away.”  These women have no clue that they have an inherent physical, emotional, mental and spiritual connection with the water.  They see it as a convenience provided to them to cleanse them or relax in.  I asked some of these women if they had ever thanked the water for joy it provided them and I got looked at like I had three heads.  Suddenly I was an outsider in the conversation because I had suggested thanking a natural resource.  Why would anyone do that?  I often go back to the Biocultural Framework taught by Dan Longboat (2016) when I explain things to people about how everything that we do has an impact on us, the Earth and all of Creation.  To change people’s behaviours and practices we need to change attitudes, which consists of changing values and beliefs.  This all boils down to culture and how each and every culture applies to an ecosystem (D. Longboat, 2016).   Our Earth is multi-cultural and each nation holds its own beliefs.  Within Canada itself we have a broad range of nationalities and the First People here know this land intimately (Anderson, 2010; Anderson, Clow and Haworth-Brockman, 2011; McGregor, 2012; McGregor 2008).  We should be listening to the people that know and care for the land the most.  As normal human beings we advocate for the things that are most important to us.  Our health care, our justice system, our education, our possessions.  These are not the important things.  And how often are we thankful for the things that are given to us quite freely.  Most people do not get upset until the things that they use so freely are no longer there.  In society I would not keep giving freely to someone who kept taking from me and did not say thank you.  So why should our Mother the Earth be any different.  Her frustration is building and she is getting so sick and people are complaining.  Our waterways are polluted.  Springs and ponds which once were homes to animals and plants are now polluted.  The spring where my own non-Indigenous family first settled in Mount Pleasant, Ontario as one of the first settlers in the area is now undrinkable.  When my son was born in 1994 this was my only source for clean water for him and I.  I would drive there and fill the jugs to sustain my son and I but I never thought of thanking this precious resource.  Now it is polluted.  No one can drink from it.  People took advantage of the resource and did not appreciate it. I often go to this place and I talk to it and try to make it feel important again.  I take it gifts and on special occasions I go visit for the serenity it provides me.  I may not be able to drink it anymore but I can make sure it knows it is still loved.

     When these women I ask about thanking the water look at me strangely and I begin to educate them in a way that I feel I have no right to I ask the Creator to help me remember the teachings of my teacher Dan Longboat and the true honest teachings of all the people that I have heard and felt in my journeys.  I tell these women that if we can appreciate the water the way we appreciate superficial things than the rewards are endless.  Indigenous Women are leading the way through Ceremonies and Water Walks. They thank the water every day.  The spirit of the water is with them in everything they do and every cell of their very being (Anderson, 2010; McGregor, 2008). I tell these women that it is so simple to thank something that gives us such nourishment and joy but it is not something that is high on their list of priorities.  I cannot change their attitudes or years and years of conditioning that we ask for things without giving the proper recognition to what really deserves respect and honour but I can plant seeds.  By my constant educating and asking them questions it causes them to think about the water and how important it really is in their lives.  When my young girlfriend was leaving for an extended trip to Australia the advice I gave her was that when she was homesick and sad and felt like she had nothing to be thankful for to think of the water.  She giggled and said I was sweet but almost every single picture she sent me from Australia had the water and her in it.  Conn (1998) speaks of an ecopsychological perspective of health.  She speaks of how in Cartesian Duality humans are separate from the non-human world and somehow think they are superior.  Each person must identify with something separate from another.  This causes disconnection in Society.  Most people do not realize that their own illnesses are manifestations of their exterior energies (Conn, 1998).  She describes the definition of a Native American word for insane/madness in the Okanagan language.  This spoken word includes four syllables each with a definitive meaning. Briefly the first syllable represents the tendency to talk inside your head; the second syllable is speaking of being scattered and having no community; the third syllable is for having no relationship to the land; and the fourth and final syllable refers to a total disconnect from the Earth (Conn, 1998). Well if this is a definition of insanity and madness than it is my opinion and mine alone that a good majority of the world is insane or totally mad. 

     Conn (1998) goes on to reveal in her paper that in order for one to have good health one needs to feel connected and unique.  That includes opening oneself up to the Universe and realizing there is more out there that just material reality.  Last year I conducted research into using nature as a healing tool for PTSD and mentally ill Veterans and I have been watching Veterans groups and seeing more and more people turning to nature to heal.  More and more of them want to run away and live off the land but they do not know why.  Many wounded people have begun to look to Indigenous ways to heal as they know the land better than anyone and they know the Universe.  I can remember being young and the only thing I knew about Indigenous people was that they knew everything was alive.  I knew this as well but when I spoke of it I was quickly silenced.  I never understood how someone could tell me that what I thought wasn’t right but the people that lived a few miles from me could believe that with all of their hearts and beings. I was ostracized and abused for holding different beliefs and then finally supressed them all.  My connection with Mother Earth was suppressed and my healing did not begin until I was reconnected to her.  My ecosystem is the Earth and the Water is her veins and lifeblood (Anderson, 2010; LaBoucane-Benson, et al. 2012).   Water is often appreciated for its physical and chemical qualities and the fact that it can do amazing things like be a solid, liquid or gas but rarely is water ever acknowledged for its spiritual properties (Blackstock, 2001).  Blackstock (2001) also points out that Western Science’s definition of an ecosystem includes the organism is separate from the environment.  Each organism and environment is studied individually and broken down to its basic compounds. Everything is separate from each other.  Water is not really mentioned as a separate part of the ecosystem it is grouped in with the physical environment.   Indigenous people and women especially know that the water is alive and has a spiritual component to it that is too often forgotten.  If you go back to mythology and look at the Gods and Goddesses they have connections to the water, it is even mentioned in Blackstock (2001) the ancient Greeks believe the Earth was once a water world formed from water. 

Conclusion

     Humanity needs to go back to basics and start appreciating the things that really matter before they are gone.  The water is polluted, used as a commodity and for summer enjoyment.  The animals and plants that depend on the water are getting sick from the pollution.  Cottagers are complaining about things like manoomiin (wild rice) growing and blocking their prestige expensive waterfront.  At a town hall meeting the cottagers were so frustrated they resulted to name calling and speaking about how they were entitled to be able to get their boats and jet skis in and out of their properties because their families had owned it for generations.  One woman spoke of how her grandfather had owned that land on that lake for 80 years and there had never been an “invasive species” like manoomiin there to her recollection.  My heart hurt and I was filled with pain for a plant that has just begun to resurge.  The water is shallow and something has happened which has allowed for optimum conditions for Indigenous people to harvest manoomiin.  This little hardy plant is coming back because it’s people need it.  The water, the plants, the trees, the animals, they are all sick but still here for us because they know their original purpose.  Professor Dan Longboat (2017) stated that if we are not thankful for things than they will disappear.  I have a granddaughter and the day she was born my whole life changed.  I was not worried about the world when I had sons but the minute she came into my life my awakening began.  Our Mother the Earth provides us with everything we need and all she asks of us is to be thankful.  How hard is that?  How hard is it to appreciate the little things? We say thank you for things all the time without thinking twice because that is the way we were raised for the most part. 

     My task at hand is to bring the Bio Cultural Framework alive in everything I do and make sure that people realize that the Indigenous people of Canada and all over the world have the answers.  Everyone has the answers if they can open themselves up enough to the Universe.  Trauma rips people open spiritually leaving them with a wound in their soul that only our Mother the Earth can heal but she can only do that if she is healthy. I am going to take my stand with my Indigenous brothers and sisters and my wounded friends and I want to help ensure that our Mother is appreciated, respected, honoured and cherished ALWAYS by all people.  I am a human being of the Earth.  She is my mother.  My father is the Sun, my grandmother is the Moon, and my grandfather is the Sky.  I am neither a woman or a man, I am a free spirit and I live to please the Creator each day.  I pray I can do him justice and honour him in all that I do each and every day on my journey to reconnect women back to the water and its importance.  I have a granddaughter now.  It is my duty.  My Service to Creation.  I hope this paper serves as an introduction into why water is important for health and how we can begin to use it to heal but only if we are thankful.  Reciprocity in everything.  Thank you for your time and again this is my interpretation and my words of the research I have done. My thoughts and I am only one person.

References

Anderson, K. (2010). Aboriginal Women, Water and Health:  Reflections from Eleven First

     Nations, Inuit and Metis Grandmothers. Retrieved from http://www.onwa.ca/upload/

     Documents/womenandwater.pdf

Anderson, K., Clow, B., and Haworth-Brockman, M. (2011).  Carriers of Water: Aboriginal

    Women’s Experience, Relationships and Reflections. Journal of Cleaner Production 60,

     p. 11-17.

Blackstock, M. (2001). Water:  A First Nations’spiritual and ecological perspective, BC Journal of

     Ecosystems and Management 1(1), p 1-14.

Conn, S. (1998). Living in the Earth:  Ecopsychology, Health and Psychotherapy.  The Humanistic

     Psychologist 6 (1-3), p 179-198.

LaBoucane-Benson, P., Gibson, G., Benson, A, and Miller, G. (2012). Are We Seeking Pimatisiwin

     Or Creating Pomewin?  Implications for Water Policy. The International Indigenous Policy

    Journal 3 (3) Art. 10.

Firsthand. (2017). Colonization Road. http://www.cbc.ca/firsthand/m/episodes/colonization-road

Longboat, D. (2016-2017). Various lectures in IESS 2601.  Introduction to Indigenous

     Environmental Issues.  Trent University, Ontario, Canada.

McGregor, D. (2008).  Anishnaabe-Kwe, Traditional Knowledge and Water Protection.

     Canadian Woman Studies 26 (8), p. 26-30.

McGregor, D. (2012).  Traditional Knowledge: Considerations for Protecting Water in Ontario.

     The International Indigenous Policy Journal 3 (3). Retrieved from: http://ic.lib.uwo.ca/

     Iipj/vol3/iss3/11.

Wawatie, Solomon (2017).  Visiting Elder to IESS 3631H, October 5. Trent University,

     Ontario, Canada.

White, J. Murphy, L., Spence, N. (2012). Water and Indigenous Peoples:  Canada’s Paradox.

     The International Indigenous Policy Journal 3(3). Retrieved from: http://ic.lib.uwo.ca/

     Iipj/vol3/iss3/3

Williams, Shirley. (2017).  Visiting Elder to Indigenous Environmental Health. October. Trent

    University, Ontario, Canada.

Gender Based Violence Disruptor

When in conversations about gender-based violence (GBV) we automatically conjure up images of physical brutality.  Violence is often thought of as overt. An assault to your physical being.  With this kind of violence there is usually some sort of proof.  A broken bone, bruises, a black eye, or even scars.  There is physical damage from this type of violence. Damage you can watch heal with your own very eyes.  When the wounds are healed and you can no longer see the bruises or when the cast is gone and you can use your arm again, those around you will think you are okay now.  They fail to see the psychological damage that is done to the person’s psyche.  The wound that takes longer to heal.  The injury to their Soul that leaves them wondering what is wrong with them. 

As a female non-Indigenous settler growing up on Anishinaabe territory of the Mississauga’s in Ontario I have experienced many different aspects of gender-based violence. From a patriarchal father who thought boys were of more value, sexual abuse in sea cadets, military sexual trauma, sexual assault, abusive marriages, domestic violence, and plain assault.  I have been demeaned and revictimized for standing up and speaking out for myself and others.  When speaking out about abuse in the Canadian Armed Forces I was told I was “a black mark on Canadian history” and “the worst thing to happen to the CAF” by older men who thought that Women had no business serving their Country and were there for their pleasure. I was chastised and belittled by my local police department when trying to keep safe from my abusive ex-husband who already had 15 charges. I had many judgements imposed upon me for being a single mother without a consistent support system.

The psychological trauma I have faced throughout my life for being a Woman has been more detrimental than any assault to my physical being.  I have been objectified and put in a box with a label like a present just for being a Woman. I have been used, abused, and thrown away like a disposable paper plate but I do not go away.  I am judged by my looks, what I wear and how I act consistently. I am objectified for wearing things that make me feel good but make other people feel uncomfortable. 

The whole problem started with the conditioning by my parents of “what a good girl” consisted of and what they knew about gender conformity.  I never felt like “just a girl” and they could never explain it to me.  My brother was eleven months younger than me and I could never comprehend why he got to do some things, but I could not because “I was a girl.” I never understood why I could not play football because “I was a girl” and encouraged to become a cheerleader. I could not understand why my other girlfriends thought this was ok.  I have done and accomplished much in my life.  Graduated high school, served my Country, raised 2 sons basically alone, owned a home for 16 years, got a Nursing degree while working full time and raising those 2 sons, and I left 3 abusive marriages. However, in my Dad’s eyes I will never be as amazing as my Brother. In my family my brother could do no wrong and I could do no right.  This left me with a constant desire to prove myself to my Father to my own detriment so now my desire is to prove to myself that I can persevere and continue this quest called life. 

When I think of gender-based violence I do not think about the military sexual trauma or the domestic abuse, the demeaning, or the belittling for being a woman, I think about the barriers and limitations that were put on a young girl that kept her from discovering who she truly was because she was too busy fighting the stigmas attached to gender conformity.  I think about how it feels to think “maybe if I was a man, they would help me, listen to me or believe me” I think about the young girl who is constantly underestimated, misunderstood, and called things like overdramatic and crazy just because of her gender. 

I think about how males and females are equal, complements of each other. I think about how the job should be based on ability to perform and qualifications to do so, and long for the days when gender is not a barrier. I long for the days when women find their voices and the words “because you are a girl” are never spoken again.  I choose to believe that one day we will all see each other as family and encouragement and acceptance of all will be the way.  Women’s voice will be heard. The masculine and the feminine will unite and gender-based violence will become a thing of the past, like cannibalism.

-Renegade Lightworker

All views and opinions are mine and mine alone and it is my hope you view them with an open mind and an open heart.