I was strong enough to survive my grandfather thinking I was an object for his pleasure. I was strong enough to survive my alcohol mother who eventually got sober. I was strong enough to survive losing my virginity being raped in sea cadets. I was strong enough to survive moving out on my own and still receive my high school diploma. I was strong enough to survive joining the Military, being charged for speaking out about being raped and losing my career. I was strong enough to survive 3 abusive husbands, the beatings that came with them, and countless horrible men who saw me as nothing more than a conquest. I was strong enough to survive raising my 2 Sons as well as some of their friends even though it cost me my sanity at times. I was strong enough to survive speaking out publicly about sexual abuse in the military and the aftermath that occurred at a time where it was unspoken of and you were supposed to just be quiet. I was strong enough to survive going to University full time while working full time and raising my boys. I was strong enough to survive keeping a roof over my families head no matter the cost to my Soul. I was strong enough to survive the many suicide attempts and my scars have become reminders that I have lived and are being replaced with beautiful tattoos. I was strong enough to survive leaving my home and the only place that ever felt safe to me and find a new family and place to belong. I was strong enough to survive the constant feelings of abandonment and betrayal and turn them into a purpose. I was strong enough to survive anything that was thrown at me and it has made me realize that no matter what may come I will always be strong enough to survive.
The Blame Game. From a very young age I was conditioned I was the problem., that there was something wrong with me. This was reinforced as I got older and after various healing modalities I have discovered the shame and guilt I have felt for being a “bad person,” that made me feel like I should apologize for existing was not for me to carry. I was stronger than any of them thought possible because I was resilient. Society (Family, Organizations, Systems) could knock me down but I keep getting back up. This is because deep in my heart despite what everyone said I knew I was right, I knew it wasn’t my fault and I had a struggle between my brain and my heart. I discovered I was normal for me. I just needed to listen to the part of myself that had my best intentions at heart with the utmost compassion to see that I made everyone uncomfortable so they tried to control and conform me, however I am a Renegade that is a free Spirit, never meant to be tamed and I will continue to draw strength from my adversity and promote that positive change is possible because everything happened for me not to me.
So many people judge what they cannot see and what they do not know. They react to someone with disdain or sarcasm without knowing one thing about that person. These are the fake people who walk around thinking they are above others and have no compassion. If you see someone with an obvious disability you often feel compelled to assist in some way but what about people who have invisible injuries, like post traumatic stress injury, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, diabetes and many other things.
Stress takes its toll on everyone and some of these people are on their last legs and pretending really good so that others don’t worry about them or put them down.
Life is hard enough, before you judge, look down upon, talk shit or demean someone look in the mirror and think about what gives you the right, you don’t even know them.
To all my friends and family that life has knocked down for a bit, I want you to know I understand and you are never alone and I will never judge you, no matter what you have done. The past is the past. Positive change is possible. Keep your chin up. Stand Tall. Be proud and have a most excellent day.
A few months ago I had the pleasure of coming into contact with a beautiful Soul named Skully. An epic beauty on Facebook had seen some of my posts and reached out to me saying that she thought that Skully could use someone like me to be a writer for her. We connected and had way more in common than we could have ever thought and I checked out the amazing website she had created. It can be found at:
Skully knew that I was a writer and that I had isolated myself badly due to the abuse in my life (the agoraphobia did not help) and I think in some ways she wanted to help bring me out of my shell a bit because she saw potential. A potential I was only beginning to see. I had been writing for years but it was all on paper. The only writing I had on my laptop that I could send her was poetry or my 660 page book but I did not want to overwhelm the Woman, jesus I had just met her. Poetry wasn’t really what she was all about so I read some of the other blogs on her site and I set about writing my first piece for something other than school for her. She had inspired me and I would like to share the link.
I found out that Skully had created an event for this summer and it is The World’s Largest All Female Burnout World Record Attempt on July 6, 2019 in Smith Falls, Ontario. She has been working hard promoting this event at various functions and gathering others to participate in this event while putting it all together. This is extremely comendable. The All Female Burnout is being sponsored by Pace Law Firm and Mary McGee AMA Motorcycle Hall of Fame Inductee will be present at this event. I personally have had my M2 but let it expire and Skully inspired me to get it again so I can participate in this event and be a part of something bigger. If you are interested in this event I am putting a link to the Facebook Page that she has created. Check it out.
Let your light shine so others can see the way. Life is difficult enough.
Be positive and give someone a compliment. Remember that feeling you get when you make someone smile. Be gentle in your dominance. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing is wrong but you can tell them in a loving manner. I have always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Until recently in my life I had not met many others that lived by this statement however, since I broke free and started climbing the stairs of life I have been staring at for a while things have been changing and I am starting to see what others have always seen.
I created my own darkness to protect myself and now want to shine as bright as I can so others will as well.
#letyourlightshine #RenegadeLightworker #OCG #leadbyexample #VeteransAssistingVeterans #VeteransAssistingCommunities http://www.renegadelightworker.com
My whole life I longed to
be my brother. I wanted to be a success,
I wanted to be like a man, so I could gain the appreciation I thought he
had. I wanted to be my Dad, not my Mom.
Truthfully if anyone ever said I would turn out like my Mother in the past I
would have destroyed them, these days I would say that is an honour. Being the oldest daughter was not an easy job
and having a brother come along pretty much for my first birthday was probably
a little overwhelming, but I know myself and I most likely thought he was a
living breathing doll that I would continue to have to take care of for the rest
of my life.
In my eyes growing up I saw
my brother as having it all. I was a
girl and my parents had a double standard so even though he was younger he had all
the same privileges I had. For example, we had the same curfew (because he was
a boy and apparently my parents didn’t have to worry about him). It was a
constant struggle for me having to share everything and having no personal
boundaries (we slept in the same room and so did my younger brother when he
came along). Not to mention our birthdays were 8 days apart so my Mother often
had our birthday parties together. I can remember throwing a temper tantrum
because I wanted my own cake, I didn’t want to share. To an outsider looking in, it may have looked
like I was a selfish brat but honestly, I just needed to try to assert my
independence and be someone other than my brother, but I didn’t know how. I just knew my Dad paid attention to him and
always asked him to do things and I figured out quick that if I wanted to be
around him I had to like the things he did, the things he was showing Andy how
to do. I wanted to be my Dad’s son even though I was his daughter. I’m not sure my Dad ever knew what to do with
a daughter, he only knew his job was to protect me, he didn’t really figure out
the encourage and accept and care part.
He was to keep a roof over my head and protect me, keep me safe because
I was a girl. My brother did not have to
be kept safe. He was fully capable of looking after himself, but I apparently
wasn’t. Instead I got conditioned that I
needed someone, I could never do it alone and this was a message that was
perpetuated over and over. I have lost
count of how many times people have tried to manipulate and control me over
telling me I cannot do something. The
truth is they are telling me I cannot do it because they most likely
cannot. They are projecting their
insecurities onto me and for almost 45 years I was naïve enough to believe
almost everyone that said I could not do it alone.
So my wake up call to not
wanting to be my brother or a “man” (apparently I had penis issues, as in I
wanted one because I thought it would make me better, more accepted, more
likeable) came when my ex-husband struck me in the head with my cell phone and
I screamed to my brother for help and he became a pacifist. He wanted no part in helping me, yet he was
supposed to protect me and help me, be my family. I ended up asking someone
else for assistance, a woman, who in turn called another woman who had a man
that took her seriously when she said someone was in trouble and my new life
began. Strangers that barely knew me
came to my aid and this was just the beginning. When I finally stood up for
myself and roared I started to find myself again. I spent time with my brother as I had been
providing for him and his family (I let him live rent free in my home and paid
the bills and provided him with a substantial amount of extra cash) only to
realize that he had become my living doll again and he needed to strike out on
his own. I began to re-examine my life
and the people that had been telling me that “I could not do it” and started to
see that it was not me that couldn’t do it, I had been doing it all along
(albeit sometimes I didn’t know how).
One day I wrote down my accomplishments and looked at them for a long
time and for once I focused on my successes instead of my failures (although
nothing is a fail, it’s a first attempt in learning). I saw that although my
life moves in circles, the circle was widening like a spiral. I was growing
with each experience good and bad.
Although life had taken me
down some pretty shitty paths I had learned so much and it was all coming
together. I finally could see the light
in the darkness, the forest through the trees.
I had a friend point out that the greater your pain, the greater your
purpose and that although lots of people had suffered the fate I had, I was
different in that I chose to speak out about what happened to me to try to
affect change. I could not see the change I had already affected because it was
very clouded with conditioning, but a veil was lifted and suddenly, I started
to feel a sense of pride and I knew I was important, but I still had a
disconnect because I wanted to be my brother.
My perception of him was that everyone liked him, and he was amazing,
always laughing and smiling but then I remembered a conversation I had with my
granddaughter while watching “The Little Rascals.” I had explained to her the difference between
real people and fake people. I
remembered how my brother had told me that I could not live alone and that his
children could never find out what had happened to me and I realized he was
imposing his will on my like others and telling me what could and could not
happen in my life. He was trying to control me because he couldn’t live alone,
he needed me.
I knew I was important, but
I did not feel it, because I wanted the respect my brother got as a man and I
did not know that I could achieve it as a Woman. I saw other important men in my life and the
respect bestowed upon them and I looked up to them because I failed to see
myself as their equal. I was somehow taught that as a woman I was lesser than a
man, secondary, I needed one of them to survive. When I wrote down my accomplishments I
started to see that these were all achieved by me, no one else. I was the one that served in the Canadian
Armed Forces, I was the one who had went to University with two small children
while working full-time, I was the one that kept a roof over my children and their
friends heads (although not the most appropriate ways at times but I forgive
myself). I also realized that I had set
boundaries and did have limitations. I had walked away when I had too much in
the past, I knew what I needed. What a
revelation. I actually knew what I needed,
contrary to what I had been told my whole life which is that someone else knew
what I needed. A man, a doctor, a
teacher, a CAS worker, therapists, these people knew what I needed but I
apparently didn’t. I had been accused of
not listening my whole life but I was. I
was just a slow processor and it all made sense at once.
After 46 years I came to the realization that I don’t want to be my brother, and I don’t want to be a man. I was raised the way I was so that I could be who I am and I have my brother to thank for doing all those things with my Dad and me just being there to learn. I am perfectly fine being me, having my accomplishments, learning my lessons and walking my path, being real. I didn’t have to be my Dad’s son because I already was his SUN, his whole life. His sunshine, his Dawn and he was always proud of me, he just didn’t know how to express it, and I don’t listen to people, I listen to the voice in my head and heart and gut which is probably the reason I have chose such a difficult path.
Throughout my recovery process many people have said some very important things to me that aided me in comprehending why I am the way I am. I take the knowledge I get from people and reformulate it into a way that I will understand. Because these are my interpretations of what I have received from others, it is my duty to share. This is the principle of reciprocity. Knowledge is the true power and it was meant to be shared. I hope that you can relate to some of my blogs and some of my quotes and find your inner light and begin to live life again. If you are already living life to your fullest may you share your light so others can begin to see again.
I know that life isn’t easy and sometimes we need to be reminded of who we really are. I am here to tell you that when you really let your light shine and be who you were meant to be you start to attract beautiful things in your life.