The Blame Game. From a very young age I was conditioned I was the problem., that there was something wrong with me. This was reinforced as I got older and after various healing modalities I have discovered the shame and guilt I have felt for being a “bad person,” that made me feel like I should apologize for existing was not for me to carry. I was stronger than any of them thought possible because I was resilient. Society (Family, Organizations, Systems) could knock me down but I keep getting back up. This is because deep in my heart despite what everyone said I knew I was right, I knew it wasn’t my fault and I had a struggle between my brain and my heart. I discovered I was normal for me. I just needed to listen to the part of myself that had my best intentions at heart with the utmost compassion to see that I made everyone uncomfortable so they tried to control and conform me, however I am a Renegade that is a free Spirit, never meant to be tamed and I will continue to draw strength from my adversity and promote that positive change is possible because everything happened for me not to me.
So many people judge what they cannot see and what they do not know. They react to someone with disdain or sarcasm without knowing one thing about that person. These are the fake people who walk around thinking they are above others and have no compassion. If you see someone with an obvious disability you often feel compelled to assist in some way but what about people who have invisible injuries, like post traumatic stress injury, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, diabetes and many other things.
Stress takes its toll on everyone and some of these people are on their last legs and pretending really good so that others don’t worry about them or put them down.
Life is hard enough, before you judge, look down upon, talk shit or demean someone look in the mirror and think about what gives you the right, you don’t even know them.
To all my friends and family that life has knocked down for a bit, I want you to know I understand and you are never alone and I will never judge you, no matter what you have done. The past is the past. Positive change is possible. Keep your chin up. Stand Tall. Be proud and have a most excellent day.
A few months ago I had the pleasure of coming into contact with a beautiful Soul named Skully. An epic beauty on Facebook had seen some of my posts and reached out to me saying that she thought that Skully could use someone like me to be a writer for her. We connected and had way more in common than we could have ever thought and I checked out the amazing website she had created. It can be found at:
Skully knew that I was a writer and that I had isolated myself badly due to the abuse in my life (the agoraphobia did not help) and I think in some ways she wanted to help bring me out of my shell a bit because she saw potential. A potential I was only beginning to see. I had been writing for years but it was all on paper. The only writing I had on my laptop that I could send her was poetry or my 660 page book but I did not want to overwhelm the Woman, jesus I had just met her. Poetry wasn’t really what she was all about so I read some of the other blogs on her site and I set about writing my first piece for something other than school for her. She had inspired me and I would like to share the link.
I found out that Skully had created an event for this summer and it is The World’s Largest All Female Burnout World Record Attempt on July 6, 2019 in Smith Falls, Ontario. She has been working hard promoting this event at various functions and gathering others to participate in this event while putting it all together. This is extremely comendable. The All Female Burnout is being sponsored by Pace Law Firm and Mary McGee AMA Motorcycle Hall of Fame Inductee will be present at this event. I personally have had my M2 but let it expire and Skully inspired me to get it again so I can participate in this event and be a part of something bigger. If you are interested in this event I am putting a link to the Facebook Page that she has created. Check it out.
Let your light shine so others can see the way. Life is difficult enough.
Be positive and give someone a compliment. Remember that feeling you get when you make someone smile. Be gentle in your dominance. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing is wrong but you can tell them in a loving manner. I have always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Until recently in my life I had not met many others that lived by this statement however, since I broke free and started climbing the stairs of life I have been staring at for a while things have been changing and I am starting to see what others have always seen.
I created my own darkness to protect myself and now want to shine as bright as I can so others will as well.
#letyourlightshine #RenegadeLightworker #OCG #leadbyexample #VeteransAssistingVeterans #VeteransAssistingCommunities http://www.renegadelightworker.com
My whole life I longed to
be my brother. I wanted to be a success,
I wanted to be like a man, so I could gain the appreciation I thought he
had. I wanted to be my Dad, not my Mom.
Truthfully if anyone ever said I would turn out like my Mother in the past I
would have destroyed them, these days I would say that is an honour. Being the oldest daughter was not an easy job
and having a brother come along pretty much for my first birthday was probably
a little overwhelming, but I know myself and I most likely thought he was a
living breathing doll that I would continue to have to take care of for the rest
of my life.
In my eyes growing up I saw
my brother as having it all. I was a
girl and my parents had a double standard so even though he was younger he had all
the same privileges I had. For example, we had the same curfew (because he was
a boy and apparently my parents didn’t have to worry about him). It was a
constant struggle for me having to share everything and having no personal
boundaries (we slept in the same room and so did my younger brother when he
came along). Not to mention our birthdays were 8 days apart so my Mother often
had our birthday parties together. I can remember throwing a temper tantrum
because I wanted my own cake, I didn’t want to share. To an outsider looking in, it may have looked
like I was a selfish brat but honestly, I just needed to try to assert my
independence and be someone other than my brother, but I didn’t know how. I just knew my Dad paid attention to him and
always asked him to do things and I figured out quick that if I wanted to be
around him I had to like the things he did, the things he was showing Andy how
to do. I wanted to be my Dad’s son even though I was his daughter. I’m not sure my Dad ever knew what to do with
a daughter, he only knew his job was to protect me, he didn’t really figure out
the encourage and accept and care part.
He was to keep a roof over my head and protect me, keep me safe because
I was a girl. My brother did not have to
be kept safe. He was fully capable of looking after himself, but I apparently
wasn’t. Instead I got conditioned that I
needed someone, I could never do it alone and this was a message that was
perpetuated over and over. I have lost
count of how many times people have tried to manipulate and control me over
telling me I cannot do something. The
truth is they are telling me I cannot do it because they most likely
cannot. They are projecting their
insecurities onto me and for almost 45 years I was naïve enough to believe
almost everyone that said I could not do it alone.
So my wake up call to not
wanting to be my brother or a “man” (apparently I had penis issues, as in I
wanted one because I thought it would make me better, more accepted, more
likeable) came when my ex-husband struck me in the head with my cell phone and
I screamed to my brother for help and he became a pacifist. He wanted no part in helping me, yet he was
supposed to protect me and help me, be my family. I ended up asking someone
else for assistance, a woman, who in turn called another woman who had a man
that took her seriously when she said someone was in trouble and my new life
began. Strangers that barely knew me
came to my aid and this was just the beginning. When I finally stood up for
myself and roared I started to find myself again. I spent time with my brother as I had been
providing for him and his family (I let him live rent free in my home and paid
the bills and provided him with a substantial amount of extra cash) only to
realize that he had become my living doll again and he needed to strike out on
his own. I began to re-examine my life
and the people that had been telling me that “I could not do it” and started to
see that it was not me that couldn’t do it, I had been doing it all along
(albeit sometimes I didn’t know how).
One day I wrote down my accomplishments and looked at them for a long
time and for once I focused on my successes instead of my failures (although
nothing is a fail, it’s a first attempt in learning). I saw that although my
life moves in circles, the circle was widening like a spiral. I was growing
with each experience good and bad.
Although life had taken me
down some pretty shitty paths I had learned so much and it was all coming
together. I finally could see the light
in the darkness, the forest through the trees.
I had a friend point out that the greater your pain, the greater your
purpose and that although lots of people had suffered the fate I had, I was
different in that I chose to speak out about what happened to me to try to
affect change. I could not see the change I had already affected because it was
very clouded with conditioning, but a veil was lifted and suddenly, I started
to feel a sense of pride and I knew I was important, but I still had a
disconnect because I wanted to be my brother.
My perception of him was that everyone liked him, and he was amazing,
always laughing and smiling but then I remembered a conversation I had with my
granddaughter while watching “The Little Rascals.” I had explained to her the difference between
real people and fake people. I
remembered how my brother had told me that I could not live alone and that his
children could never find out what had happened to me and I realized he was
imposing his will on my like others and telling me what could and could not
happen in my life. He was trying to control me because he couldn’t live alone,
he needed me.
I knew I was important, but
I did not feel it, because I wanted the respect my brother got as a man and I
did not know that I could achieve it as a Woman. I saw other important men in my life and the
respect bestowed upon them and I looked up to them because I failed to see
myself as their equal. I was somehow taught that as a woman I was lesser than a
man, secondary, I needed one of them to survive. When I wrote down my accomplishments I
started to see that these were all achieved by me, no one else. I was the one that served in the Canadian
Armed Forces, I was the one who had went to University with two small children
while working full-time, I was the one that kept a roof over my children and their
friends heads (although not the most appropriate ways at times but I forgive
myself). I also realized that I had set
boundaries and did have limitations. I had walked away when I had too much in
the past, I knew what I needed. What a
revelation. I actually knew what I needed,
contrary to what I had been told my whole life which is that someone else knew
what I needed. A man, a doctor, a
teacher, a CAS worker, therapists, these people knew what I needed but I
apparently didn’t. I had been accused of
not listening my whole life but I was. I
was just a slow processor and it all made sense at once.
After 46 years I came to the realization that I don’t want to be my brother, and I don’t want to be a man. I was raised the way I was so that I could be who I am and I have my brother to thank for doing all those things with my Dad and me just being there to learn. I am perfectly fine being me, having my accomplishments, learning my lessons and walking my path, being real. I didn’t have to be my Dad’s son because I already was his SUN, his whole life. His sunshine, his Dawn and he was always proud of me, he just didn’t know how to express it, and I don’t listen to people, I listen to the voice in my head and heart and gut which is probably the reason I have chose such a difficult path.
Throughout my recovery process many people have said some very important things to me that aided me in comprehending why I am the way I am. I take the knowledge I get from people and reformulate it into a way that I will understand. Because these are my interpretations of what I have received from others, it is my duty to share. This is the principle of reciprocity. Knowledge is the true power and it was meant to be shared. I hope that you can relate to some of my blogs and some of my quotes and find your inner light and begin to live life again. If you are already living life to your fullest may you share your light so others can begin to see again.
I know that life isn’t easy and sometimes we need to be reminded of who we really are. I am here to tell you that when you really let your light shine and be who you were meant to be you start to attract beautiful things in your life.
Women have been serving in the Canadian
Armed Forces since 1885. The largest number of Women served in World War II,
with many performing non-traditional roles.
In the early 50’s Women were again allowed to join the CAF however they
were restricted to traditional roles such as medical, logistical, administrative
and communication trades. Gradually the number of Women increased as did the number
of trades available to them.
After Canadian Parliament passed the Canadian Human Rights Act and the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms in 1986 all trades were officially open to Women in 1989, however they were excluded from submarine service. In 1992 a Human Rights Tribunal claim was made against the CAF and this was the beginning of various implementations to combat sexual abuse and harassment within the organization. SHARP (Standard for Harassment and Racism Prevention Program) training was started and while some praised it, some saw it as a licence to continue doing what they always had.
In 1998 after a persistent battle trying
to publicly state my truth as I knew in my heart I could not be alone I
connected with a friend who had the same tale as myself and we embarked on a
quest which included the goals of:
1) To stop this from
happening to anyone else.
2) To expose the unwritten handbook
on dealing with abuse in the CAF
3) Punish perpetrators of
abuse and make the CAF harassment free
My friend Ann called
MacLeans magazine and told them her story as well as mine and they called me
that day. I gave them all the
information I could to prove my story as the Globe and Mail had already deemed
it “too controversial.” I had kept all my paperwork and I had a trail to prove
my allegations despite no charges being laid.
My friend was not so fortunate, all she had was her word and that is not
enough to back a claim like ours, so they decided to cut my friend loose, go
with my story and continue investigating other leads.
On May 25, 1998 MacLeans magazine released
the first of what turned out to be a four-part series on abuse in the Canadian
Armed Forces with the words Rape in The Military beside a headshot of my
face. In this article 12 other brave,
courageous Women stepped forward and told their tales of harassment in the CAF. One Woman’s brother stood tall and proud and
told his horror over what had happened to his Sister. There was an outcry to the government over
how this could be happening as they had been dealing with other scandals such
as the Somalia affair and the CAF Ombudsmen’s office was created in late June
1998. There were many fake promises, reinvestigations
that led nowhere, a follow-up article in MacLeans 6 months later and then the
issue of sexual harassment in the Canadian Armed Forces went radio silent.
For 16 years there was not any mention of
sexual abuse or harassment in the CAF.
In 2014 a brave Woman from Quebec named Stephanie Raymond blew the gates
wide open yet again. She came forward in
the French sister version of MacLeans called L’Actualite in May of 2014 and
MacLeans ran an issue called “Our Military’s Disgrace” on May 16, 2014. The government could no longer sweep this
issue under the rug, nor could they say this was the first time they had heard
of this issue as the #MeToo movement that began in the CAF in 1998 and gave
many who had had this happened before validation for their abuse and that had
been IGNORED. Since this was again an issue something needed to be done and an
Inquiry into Sexual Harassment in the Canadian Armed Forces was handed to Madam
Justice Marie Deschamps. In a 100-page
report released in 2015 she found the culture of the Military to be very
sexualized and hostile towards Women and the LGTBQ community. She released 10
recommendations which while may be visibly present are still very limited in
their scope of practice. For example,
one limitation that has been imposed is that if your assault happened before
1996, you have no recourse of action at all.
1. Acknowledge that inappropriate
sexual conduct is a serious problem that exists in the CAF and undertake to
2. Establish a strategy to effect
cultural change to eliminate the sexualized environment and to better integrate
women, including by conducting a gender-based analysis of CAF policies.
3. Create an independent centre for
accountability for sexual assault and harassment outside of the CAF with the
responsibility for receiving reports of inappropriate sexual conduct, as well
as prevention, coordination and monitoring of training, victim support,
monitoring of accountability, and research, and to act as a central authority
for the collection of data.
4. Allow members to report incidents
of sexual harassment and sexual assault to the centre for accountability for
sexual assault and harassment, or simply to request support services without
the obligation to trigger a formal complaint process.
5. With the participation of the
centre for accountability for sexual assault and harassment:
a simple, broad definition of sexual harassment that effectively captures all
dimensions of the member’s relationship with the CAF.
a definition of adverse personal relationship that specifically addresses
relationships between members of different rank, and creates a presumption of
an adverse personal relationship where the individuals involved are of
different rank, unless the relationship is properly disclosed.
sexual assault in the policy as intentional, non-consensual touching of a
guidance on the requirement for consent, including by addressing the impact on
genuine consent of a number of factors, including intoxication, differences in
rank, and the chain of command.
6. With the participation of the
centre for accountability for sexual assault and harassment, develop a unified
policy approach to address inappropriate sexual conduct and include as many
aspects as possible of inappropriate sexual conduct in a single policy using
7. Simplify the harassment process
Directing formal complaints to COs acting as
adjudicators in a grievance
Reducing emphasis on ADR.
8. Allow victims of sexual assault to
request, with the support of the centre for accountability sexual assault and
harassment, transfer of the complaint to civilian authorities; provide
information explaining the reasons when transfer is not effected.
9. Assign responsibility for
providing, coordinating and monitoring victim support to the centre for
accountability for sexual assault and harassment, including the responsibility
for advocating on behalf of victims in the complaint and investigation
10. Assign to the centre for
accountability for sexual assault and harassment, in coordination with other
CAF subject matter experts, responsibility for the development of the training
curriculum, and the primary responsibility for monitoring training on matters
related to inappropriate sexual conduct.
In 2015, in the wake of the Deschamps report and with the Military in it’s full blown #MeToo movement here in Canada an advocacy group called “It’s Just 700” was formed to attempt to support men and women who were Survivours of Military Sexual Trauma (MST). The website is very informative with many initiatives started by the Woman who runs the group, and she also attempts to advocate before parliament. With the knowledge of MST becoming more prominent and a subject more people were willing to address people wanted accountability. Five separate class-action lawsuits were formed to address gender discrimination and systemic abuse in the Canadian Armed Forces and were eventually all conjoined and it is still before the courts.
While the Government and Department of
National Defense will tell you that the Canadian Armed Forces is a safe
harassment free environment to work in with such advances like Operation Honour
they are not learning from their mistakes.
They keep repeating them by not listening to the voices of the
past. They boast of their accomplishments
and defeats and greatness, but they fail to speak about or learn from their
failures. They have a duty to protect
the very ones that work beneath them, yet they choose to make things worse
rather than make things better on a regular basis. Instead of deny, deny, deny and hurry up and
wait the Military should step up to the times of the days and evolve so they can
be the honourable institution they once were in the eyes of many so they
attract the many young Women that want to Serve the Country they live in.
On this International Women’s Day of 2019 reclaim your life and your future and be the Woman you were meant to be. If you were abused in the Military, you are not alone. Find a group, reach out, seek assistance and support. Those of us that have been there will guide you on your way back to reclaiming who you were always meant to be.