Tag Free your mind

The Tale of The Walls

The Tale of The Walls

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow those walls down because I want what you have.”

“I will take your power your innocence and leave you feeling a living dead girl broken and not able to see your own light.”

At a very young age I had my “NO” taken away and learned you need it to hide your true self. Put on a smile, do what you’re told, suck it up, be a good girl, and big girls don’t cry.

I was born into a family where most could not see my gifts and forced me to suppress them and those that saw my specialness decided to greedily take a piece of it for themselves.

Not able to verbalize what was going on or chastitized for telling the truth, I built a wall of straw because I knew I needed protection. This wall was to protect me from my family because although they were supposed to protect me they failed to do so as they had their own issues add their own issues. Alcoholism, abandonment, and abuse left me with an insecure attachment and not knowing what love or acceptance looked like. I did not know where I fit in or where I belonged. I knew I was a part of my family, I looked like them, talked like them, liked what they liked, but I did not feel like one of them.

Those walls broke down easily and at school and in the community, I learned you needed stronger walls. So, I built walls of sticks and wood. Teachers can be cruel. They have their favorites and succeeding doesn’t get you anywhere if someone has slapped a label on you.

Difficult, hard to handle, too emotional, not a good role model, and not good enough to be Valedictorian despite straight A’s.

It was better to judge me or call me names and degrade me then find out what was really going on with me or show some interest in my life or well being.

A desire to be a part of something beggar, to see the world, to be of service to humanity, and a thirst for knowledge led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces. A quest to hopefully get educated enough to become a doctor.

I built walls of brick in attempt to be Bad-Ass, tough and able to take on anything. I wanted to be the best me possible and be all I could be.  A defender, a protector, a leader, and a helper. Children that don’t feel wanted, grow up and often go into professions where they feel needed.

Well in the military they know how to blow things up and friendly fire on domestic territory left me and my walls of bricks shattered into a million pieces and a desire for safety and security that led me to run for a safe room.

Betrayed, abandoned, rejected yet again and conditioned to believe I was a bad person, that things were my fault, and I was a failure I then locked myself in a safe room metaphorically where the only way anyone could get near me was if I invited them in. Letting people into my safe room was not a successful way to move forward.  Those I invited in brought their trauma, issues and conditioning into my safe room with them making the environment toxic, negative and full of bitterness and ungratefulness.

I wanted better. I wanted to move forward and go from surviving to thriving. I began to understand my vulnerability was my strength. My adversity had made me resilient and able to overcome any obstacle. When I started to tear down my walls and be true to myself, I started to accept myself and love myself. 

I found a way to leave the safe room and face the Big Bad World. By conquering fears, wanting change and more for myself I was able to transform my hurt to lessons. By challenging myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable I can transmute the darkness to light. I can finally step into my power by taking control of my feelings, my actions, my behaviors, and by being accountable to myself. I fall down a lot without the security of 4 walls protecting me but they only kept me in a Box where I could not see my true potential. I could only see shadows and glimpses of what could be. I was looking through the window of my safe room watching the Big Bad World but not participating. 

I feel so I can deal than I can heal. I left the safe room and I’m finally free to be the real me.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

Victim, Survivour, Hero

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

I was a caterpillar

I was a caterpillar,
crawling through life;
when I found a beautiful plant
and spun my cocoon.
As I metamorphasisized
and grew my wings,
I thought about
how grateful I was,
for the hibernation.
For I had only experienced life
from one perspective.
When my wings had grown,
The struggle began
as I broke free from the confines
of my cocoon.
I thought of how the fight and the change;
no matter how hard it was,
no matter how much it hurt,
no matter how much pain it caused,
was going to be worth it.
I was no longer
going to see the world
just from the ground.
When the time finally came
and I spread my wings,
I could fly.
Bright, bold and rainbow
I used my wings
to fly high.
I let the wind
blow me around.
I was happy.
I needed to learn,
and then when I
established control,
I could see from above
and
I could fly down below and
I could sit on
a plant like before.
I could see the world
from 2 different
perspectives,
and it allowed me
to be free.
The watcher and
the experiencer.
The best of both worlds.
Once I could fly,
I never once
looked back on
the struggle in the cocoon.
I had a whole new way
to look at everything.

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom

Same shit,
Different day
Living the dream
Chasing the dragon.
But one day 
You realize
It’s not your dream
You don’t even know who you are.
The mirror reflects
A stranger
Full of guilt and shame
For not knowing better
You realize
The dragon you have been chasing
Lives within and feeds on knowledge.
You hit the floor
Thinking of all the loss,
The pain,
The suffering.
Yours and all that you have caused.
You know there is a better way
You want change, yet
That change scares the fuck out of you
And you hit rock bottom
The place where all the walls
Have come crashing down.
All the barriers
All the things that didn’t work
All the lessons.
Look around at rock bottom.
Take the best memories out of those rocks,
Leave all the irrelevant shit
And Rebuild.
The way you choose
They way you always wanted
And be true to you
Be magnificent
Be the you, 
You wanted to be 
Before life got in the way.
It’s never to late to discover 
Who you truly are.

@renegadelightworker

Rainbow Vision

The roots I have grown remind me of the blood blood red of a rose, full if beauty and tragedy.

The foundation I have built with beautiful Souls reminds me of the orange sky at sunset.

The joy I feel when gratitude overfills me reminds me of the yellow in a Micheal Angelo painting.

The love I have in my heart reminds me of a walk in the forest amongst the green leaves of the maples, oaks and poplars, not to mention the stunning evergreens.

The truth I speak reminds me of the water. It is blue like the Ocean reflecting the sky. It can be harsh and hurt or soft and gentle.

The knowledge I have gained in this lifetime reminds of the Indigo sky at Dawn or Twilight where the night sky is about to break out more stars than I can ever see.

The Wisdom I possess through trials and tribulations reminds me of a Crown, Sovereignty. Gold and violet. It is an obligation to use my suffering to assist others on their healing journey.

A journey to self enlightenment.

A journey of becoming themselves.

Renegade Lightworker

Freedom

There are a lot of people out there

that take one side and judge.

They see the view of one person only.

They are anti this and pro that.

There is their way or the highway.

They quickly weed their circle of friends

of anyone that does not share

their grandiose views and opinions.

They fail to see any World

except the one they live in.

They are sometimes irrational in their beliefs

and cannot actually tell you

why they are standing that ground.

These people fail to take personal accountability

or admit any wrongdoings.


Then there are the rare gems in the crowd.

That look outside the box,

they get a feel for others,

they listen to all involved.

These diamonds in a World of coal

cannot even form an opinion

as they see the story from all angles.

The big picture presents itself to them,

the consequences, the reprecussions, the wholeness.

These are the people

that fight for the freedom

for you to be your authentic self,

for you to believe what you believe.

These people are the ones

that would lay down their life

to protect truth and innocence.

If they could take your suffering away,

They would.

These are often the outcasts of Society,

The Black Sheep, The Witch, The Crazy Ones.

The ones the majority of Society snubs

because they don’t “Get them.”

These are your Angels, your Gods, your Goddesses,

your Brothers, Sisters, Mothers, and Fathers.

That you have abandoned, forsaken and betrayed.

These are the ones that are still willing

to show you the way

with patience, non-judgment

and LOVE.

Be the light

Let your light shine so others can see the way. Life is difficult enough.

Be positive and give someone a compliment. Remember that feeling you get when you make someone smile. Be gentle in your dominance. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing is wrong but you can tell them in a loving manner. I have always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Until recently in my life I had not met many others that lived by this statement however, since I broke free and started climbing the stairs of life I have been staring at for a while things have been changing and I am starting to see what others have always seen.
I created my own darkness to protect myself and now want to shine as bright as I can so others will as well.
#letyourlightshine #RenegadeLightworker #OCG #leadbyexample #VeteransAssistingVeterans #VeteransAssistingCommunities
http://www.renegadelightworker.com

Renegade Lightworker

Noah~DV Boss Style

Most people have heard the Bible story of Noah and the flood and how he and his wife, and their three sons gathered the animals 2 by 2 and saved them on the Ark he had been instructed to build.  Noah saved mankind by keeping the animals safe and then his family repopulated the Earth after the waters subsided.  Every culture has a flood story and because I know this I thought it would be pertinent to share my own Noah story.  Its not quite the same as the flood story in the Bible and there is no real flood other than emotions and tears but there is a puppy involved so an animal is accounted for.

I moved to a new city because I was fleeing a domestic violence situation and was in fear.  I knew very few people in this new city and felt like a kid in grade one at a new school and was extremely socially awkward.  My PTSD and anxiety were on super high alert and I was in constant panic mode. I was jumpy, I was on edge, I was angry, I was aggressive, and I was sad because I knew I wasn’t myself.  I was in a pain I had never been in physically and my brain was scrambled.  I didn’t know if I was coming or going half of the time.  My childhood friend who I trusted implicitly because of our pasts was very busy and knew someone that lived near the new building I lived in and asked him to befriend me.  This kind Soul bore the name Noah.  I had never met anyone named Noah and this young man lived up to his namesake.  He was not the kind of person you would want to mess with, he looked kind of rough around the edges which I guess on the exterior makes him look unapproachable, but this kid had a heart of gold.  He will tell you that he did nothing for me, but you know what he did, he listened.  He let me vent and he acknowledged my feelings. He let me feel them.  He didn’t tell me they were wrong.  He often said, “I am sorry you feel that way Dawn, that must be hard.”  I had never had anyone say anything other than feeling was wrong or that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. I questioned my own feelings thinking they were wrong because other people had not wanted to deal with them as they made them uncomfortable or they didn’t feel the same way.  Just because you don’t feel the same way doesn’t mean you dismiss the way someone else feels.  Noah made me feel like it was alright to feel, and I finally felt like I had a real friend.  I had made a couple, but this was someone who took time to listen to me when I was sad and sometimes stopped everything to talk to me for a few minutes to calm me down and then would check on me as soon as he wasn’t busy.

I was not adjusting to my new life so well and it was taking a turn for the worse.  I wanted all my pain to end and I wanted everything to be over.  I had been abused, taken advantage of, lost almost everything and I did not want to live anymore.  It was late at night and I had no where to go and I had my puppy, a beautiful female German Shepard named Dutchess Von Dee. I wanted to end it all and I called Noah.  He had just gone to bed and had only been asleep for about 40 minutes.  This guy lived a busy life and hardly did anything for himself including sleep.  He tried to talk me down and into going back to my apartment, but I could not go back to my 11th floor apartment, I wanted to jump out the windows and there were 5 floor to ceiling door/windows just calling my name.  I had already put several cuts in my wrist, but they were not deep, they just reminded me I was still alive, and this was all real.  Noah brought me into where he was staying and listened to me ramble about not wanting to be here anymore.  He knew I had an appointment with my therapist the next morning and if he could just get me through to that I would be okay.  He called my childhood friend who could not do anything as he was busy with his family so Noah stayed with me until I had to go to my appointment.  He made me go to sleep as he knew I had not had much and needed to drive an hour to my appointment.  He made me feel safe. He made me feel important and he taught me a very important lesson that night.  I didn’t want to do it anymore because I did not believe in myself.  I did not think I was important.  The lesson he drilled into my head that morning was that other people believed in me like him.  Other people thought I was important.  He instilled into me by making me repeat over and over

“Noah thinks I can.” 

He said if I don’t think I can I must repeat “Noah thinks I can.”  This was a bad ass dude and he believed in me.  He knew I could accomplish it, even when I doubted myself. I had no faith in me, but Noah did.  He could see me.  Noah helped me with my puppy and helped me even when he didn’t have to.  I drove all the way to my appointment with my therapist that day saying, “Noah thinks I can, Noah thinks I can,” He became my little train that could.  I got there, and my therapist took over.  I had never been so grateful that I had a friend who cared enough to forgo sleep and listen to me vent and cry to keep me alive.  He let me start to get it out and it is still a work in progress. 

I told Noah I would repay his kindness in someway and that I was forever in his debt.  He was extremely chivalrous and said it was not necessary, but I never forget a good deed and my Soul was saved that day because he cared enough to save it.  Life did not go so good for Noah because of a series of unfortunate circumstances but when I went to try to help (no one would listen to me as a Woman) I got to meet his family.  I met his father and expressed my gratitude at what his Son had done to keep a Veteran alive. I also met his friend Joe who is also a caring and compassionate Soul.  I keep doing what I can for Noah who just had a beautiful Son himself because I am a loyal and dedicated friend.  I got to meet his wife and Son and even hold the beautiful little boy. Although I was rather disappointed he didn’t come out with a full beard. I don’t care what anyone says about Noah, the World is a better place with him because he cared enough to save a girl he barely knew because he knew of her.  That deserves the utmost respect, which society does not see anymore.  They see people’s wrong-doing, their mistakes and they play on those.  They judge them on their pasts and assume they are the same people they were yesterday.  I am never the same person I was the day before because I learn from everyone I meet in person or online, and I have met many people who woke up one morning and said, “Enough of the bullshit, I want to change.” It is called an epiphany and being real.  Some refer to it as a Spiritual Awakening. It is also called dealing with your emotions. 

So, my Noah didn’t save the whole world and all its animals from a flood, but he saved me from drowning in my own negativity and self-doubt by believing in me enough for both of us.

#RenegadeLightworker