Tag Renegade Lightworker

When I was young, I felt like an outsider.

I thought I was different and for some reason,

I believed every bad thing that happened was my fault.

I thought I was forsaken.

I thought I was unwanted and unlovable.

These thoughts, feelings, and beliefs

led me to wear a mask of a fake smile,

to supress my anger

and burn myself out pleasing others.

yet rarely myself.

My lack of love for myself

          Faith for myself

          Belief in myself

and my self worth

left me in darkness.

Like the darkness of a cave deep in a mountain.

My eyes saw shadows.

My world was black or white.

They saw only good or only bad.

They focused on the bad because good

was thought to be unattainable

for this dark, demonized Soul.

Negative mindsets

attract more hurt and pain.

They attract suffering with

what seems like no end.

It left me tired depressed and wanting to give up.

I desperately wanted it all to end.

Desperate for change

and a knowing deep inside

that I was not what everyone else had said I was.

A knowing deep inside

that there had to be another way.

A knowing that if darkness existed

then light had to too

and a desire to use my pain for purpose

and to turn my knowledge into wisdom,

I decided to leave my cave of darkness

and begin the journey

to unknown places because anywhere

was better than where I had been for so long.

Abandonment, rejection, attachment issues, exclusion, irrelevancy

and constantly being underestimated were some of the challenges

I would have to face on my journey to get comfortable

with being uncomfortable

and to build a different perspective on the actions

and behaviours of myself and others.

I walked and walked.

I fought my insecurities, my ego and my demons

telling me I would never succeed,

that I would never win,

that I should just give up and go back to what I knew.

My determination and will to keep going was rewarded

as I met a stranger huddled in a grotto on my journey

to something better.

The stranger had retreated to the cave to regroup.

He was tired and overwhelmed; he had returned to the cave

to be reminded of his higher purpose.

He told me tales of overcoming obstacles,

a world full of colour and rainbows,

and of wounds healing.

He gave me a gift of advice that kept me curious enough

to keep moving forward.

“We all have the power to transform our own reality”

The stranger decided to join me

on my journey out of the dark mountain

as he told me the light and a new way of thinking

was not too far ahead.

The stranger did not have to go too deep into the cave

for his darkness anymore.

He just visited from time to time to find the lessons in his hurt

and transmute his darkness to light.

He told me I had done the hardest part of the journey alone

and I had made the hardest decision by myself.

To seek change.

He said, “When you want better, you do better.”

He told me he saw a spark inside of me that was getting

brighter by the moment.

He taught me about reciprocity

and how because long ago

someone had saw something in him

that he could not see himself and led him to his light

that it was his responsibility

to pay it forward and accompany me

to support me in the change that was to come ahead.

The stranger was helping himself

by helping others.

He was being of service to humanity and a higher purpose.

Through our conversations,

I started to understand there were reasons

that I was the way I was.

I started to see there was nothing wrong with me.

I was me and it was okay to feel the way I did.

I did not know better

but now that I knew better I must do better.

As I gained a better understanding

I was filled with a knowledge

that everything that ever happened to me,

happened for me and made me me.

My wounds, suffering, pain and hurt were my teachers.

They taught me what I will and will not accept.

They taught me boundaries.

They taught me I was worthy of love, respect, and acceptance.

They also taught me the most important lesson.

I had been seeking love, respect, and acceptance

from outside sources instead of within.

I could see the light ahead and

I was filled with

benevolence, ease, and grace.

Gratitude filled my heart and the darkness

faded away and suddenly seemed so far behind me.

The stranger stepped aside as my eyes adjusted and said

          “You will be ok,

           You can and you will,

           No road is wrong, they will all teach you something.”

“Now that you have found the light

           your darkness will always be filled with

           lessons and you must use your pain for purpose.”

          “Its okay to go back to the cave to regroup but don’t

           stay too long and when you do visit the cave

           should you encounter someone like yourself

           seeking to switch on a light,  

           Share your knowledge,

           For it is power and meant to be shared.”

          “Now go,

               Be the light you know you are, and were always meant to be”

I thanked the stranger and wanted to somehow repay him for his kindness.

He replied it was not necessary.

His reward was knowing

he had assisted someone on their

Journey of BECOMING.                                                                       

-Renegade Lightworker

This is me and my brother Andy. His birthday is 8 days before mine and we are what is known as Irish twins. Born within a year of each other.
Now the reason I am posting this is because I see a serious flaw I would like to point out. My brother has his dukes up. He was taught that, to be a little fighter and believe me, him and I got into some pretty crazy battles so I learned quick. When we were young my Dad would put the boxing gloves on us and then we would fight. When I started to win it was game over. Couldn’t have the girl beating up the boy. Then Andy got taught he should be a lover not a fighter… Yah well this isn’t about him so we can stop right there.
I got to sit in the background as the girl and hear all these things but I was expected to put on the dress and act differently. It’s un-ladylike to want to fight, it’s not very girly-girl to act that way. So from the start there was a double standard I have had to fight. I have fought so hard to get where I am. I have fought to expose the truth, I have fought to find myself and I have fought for the rights of others to be treated fairly. I have fought for love, love that wasn’t even worth fighting for because fighting was what I knew. I had to fight myself to finally love myself. I am the black sheep of the family for doing what is right because it’s the right thing to do and it’s OK. I cannot fit into a World I was not meant to fit into.
I was taught to be passive, submissive, unasserting, non-resistant, docile. meek, non-aggressive and afraid while my brother got taught right from the start to be dominant and aggressive. Had I not had my Brother I would not have learned how to be a fighter. I also thought that as a girl watching Disney someone was going to rescue me but nope, had to do that myself as well.
I am learning that while I still need to stand up for myself, it is OK to not fight the battle, just let it go as well. Feel the pain, surrender to it and deal. It’s not pretty but the other side sure is…. The other side of the pain, when you realize how beautiful and worthwhile you are, what your value is and the only person you need to impress is yourself.

We used to live in villages and knew everyone around us.

People with different viewpoints, different experiences and different knowledge.

You could have an intellectual debate and walk away feeling educated instead of bitter, resentful and not heard.

We could see through the eyes of those around us and understand.

We did not demean or degrade those that thought outside the norm.

We encouraged finding a new way.

Change keeps us from being stagnant, it allows us to grow.

Now we live in an indvidual family unit.

The extended family is relegated to reunions or set family visits.

We go to schools that teach us to compete and to look to others for acceptance instead of teaching us to look for it within.

We put our children that we do not understand into boxes with labels and keep them in a broken system that no serves them no use.

We have erased nature, our main ally from our lives and see it as a “weekend getaway” or something to own and possess.

We have lost our understanding of those around us due to selfish, egocentrical behaviour that is me, me, me and take, take, take until givers have absolutely nothing left to give.

We used to be united

As an Earth

As a Country

As a Community

As a Family

and within ourselves.

Yet as the World moves father away

It seems we are divided, at each others throats, unable to see any way but our own.

Fear has been a mitigating factor

Fear of Failure

Fear of Change

Fear of the Unknown

Fear of other Cultures

We were not meant to be stuck in one way,

repeating the cycles of 5125 years.

We are to end the division

Stop being afraid

Accept the change

and come together in Unity.

All colours, all races, all genders, all religions/faiths, all creeds.

We are all one

We are all children of the same Universe

We all inhabit our Mother the Earth that provides for us.

We were all meant to learn from one another.

Not tear each other apart for being different.

We have different knowledge, different experiences, different attitudes

yet we are all Spirits having a human existence here.