Sometimes by embracing things we can reframe them in a different way. These are my thoughts and feelings from my heart that I share with you. Take from it what you so choose…

Why I would rather be broken than bent.

If if I were to be bent that would insinuate that somehow I was only one thing and that thing or object could be bent. A steel rod, a piece of wood, something that is straight and linear. When you bend and eventually bounce back. there is usually a point of weakness somewhere in the object. Unless it’s springy material.
At a low point in my life a very good friend told me that when you are broken you can take those pieces and put then back together anyway you want. I didn’t have to be a teapot or a cup, I could be a beautiful mantle piece or a plate (hypothetically)
By being broken, I can create cycles. I can rebuild myself in any way I so choose and I can leave behind the parts that no longer serve me. A broken piece of glass or mirror refracts beautiful light. What does something bent refract. I would rather be broken and shattered into a million pieces and rebuild myself self than bend and be somewhat conformable. I was made to begin each day anew, so from the broken pieces I reframe and rebuild to be better and stronger. When I am broken I can analyze which pieces don’t fit back into the existence that I am choosing to manifest. Which means that I can break myself at any moment take pieces away and rebuild as something better. Just like death brings rebirth, brokenness brings beauty. 🙏

-Dawn McIlmoyle

Renegade Lightworker

The Tale of Heaven and Hell

A long time ago, I think I may have been married to my second husband at the time, I was going through a “pre-awakening.” I was still asleep, but I was searching. Searching for something that I thought was bigger than me but eventually found it within myself. I had a strong sense of being different and not belonging. Conventional psychology/psychiatry in my hometown was not helping me grow. Religion had not held the answers I was searching for. My first husband was a Jehovah’s Witness and although it was not for me (apparently neither was he) I learned to look at theories and philosophies and see them from different perspectives. Big pictures.
I went to a past life regression therapist and had an enlightening session although I was still a little skeptical at the time. At the end of the session, he led me on a meditation to see if I had wings. I saw the most magnificent huge Rainbow wings radiating from my body. I could not wrap my head around that vision, but it left an impression and always stayed in the back of my mind. Big Beautiful Stunning Rainbow Wings.
I could not wrap my head around the vision because I was stuck in a negative mindset where I though I was forsaken, everything bad happened because of me and I was a failure that could not do anything right.
I could not look in a mirror without seeing everything that was wrong with me and all my flaws. I lived and breathed my sons, yet my own trauma kept me from being a real mother. I was more of a friend, and I wanted them to love me so badly I made many mistakes. I look back now and know that I did the best I could at the capacity I was able to.
Ever since I was young, I had a desire to serve humanity and a feeling I was different from the rest of my family. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. I felt all of their emotions and often felt like a peacemaker or peacekeeper. I smiled all the time because that is what “good little girls” are supposed to do.
My desire to serve humanity led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces where I dreamed of being a part of something bigger and making a difference.
It did not turn out the way I planned, and I ended up leaving the military with feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection, thinking I had failed and that I was only good enough to be an object for men’s pleasure, it also left me with some amazing skills and abilities to be able to adapt and overcome any situation placed before me. I learned some ridiculously hard lessons through trauma that have allowed me to turn my knowledge into wisdom.
Going public with my story from the Military and my desire to make sure others did not feel alone got met with ostracism, disbelief, and lots of judgment. Assisting others with no framework or understanding of trauma and not realizing or comprehending the fact I could absorb the emotions of others led me to decide I needed to educate myself, research my own trauma and get a better understanding of how to assist others.
I took my 2 young Sons and met the Director of the new nursing program that was starting at Trent University and applied for the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program. Other than wanting to help others I did not have a clue about what I was doing. I was in survival mode, and I wanted a better future for my sons. As much as I wanted to give up, those two kept me going.
There was something in my blood that kept me fighting. My dad tried to instill in my brother and I to be lovers not fighters, but I learned young I had to fight for his attention and love. His Father (my grandfather) had been a boxer and we learned young how to use our fists. I was competent, just not supported or encouraged. I had my grandfather’s boxing Spirit of no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get back up. Sometimes I have tripped and fell down myself and I know its important to get up, dust off and keep going. I also had to acknowledge self-sabotage and how my trauma was affecting all of my relationships.
So, after I literally knocked myself out one day (seriously, I threw a rocking chair, it bounced off the wall, hit me in the head and knocked me out; not sure if my head cracked it or the wall). I had to take a cold hard look at what I wanted and what I was willing to accept in my life. I was in the process of leaving my third husband who thought I was a white devil whore and had awakened me from my Sleeping Beauty-bubble state in more ways than one.
The reconnection to Mother Earth, nature and an introduction to Indigenous Studies provided me with a different perspective on life I was extremely grateful for. The knowledge from the strong, beautiful Women he had introduced me to was what guided me after the cell phone to the side of the head awakened me to the fact, I needed to break free, find myself and look deep within. I had to look in my toolbox and discard the tools that were no longer working for me (metaphorically I had a fisher price hammer and a couple Barbies in there) and get some new upgraded grown up tools.
Boundaries were what I needed, not to mention some self-worth, self-respect, self-value, and some confidence. I had been badly submitted, dominated, and conditioned by my family, my community, my teachers, leaders, and Society at large.
I had been told by my ex-husband and my brother that I could never survive on my own and I was silly enough to believe them at that time.
Everything changed the day I met a man that stood before me like a mirror and somehow radiated back to me (like a mirror) an image of myself that saw how all these previous failures could be reframed into accomplishments. It was like a light switch was turned on. I had been looking for a switch outside of myself in therapy, relationships, compassionate acts, love, and the switch had been inside of me all along. All the lessons in all the hurt and trauma were overwhelming and hard to process but I could see the light in the darkness finally. I was now on a quest to discover what I enjoyed and what I was capable of. The possibilities before me now were infinite and I was looking at the world through child-like eyes where everything was a blessing and opportunity. It was like I was seeing it all for the first time with new eyes.
Something kept taking me back to those rainbow wings. I wrote a lot about rainbows after my mother passed away, picturing her dancing under one.
In my first act of my own rebellion, I decided to get those rainbow wings tattooed on my back. I was going to go big or go home. I challenged myself, went way outside my comfort zone and moved to a city where I knew few people. My friend found me a tattoo artist that turned out to be a Wizard.
I told the Wizard my vision and we discussed the meaning of my wings. I told him they will represent everything I have overcome. Every feather would represent a trauma that taught me a lesson and gifted me with wisdom. I started my wings on my Granddaughter’s 6th birthday and spent 23 hours getting a priceless piece of art tattooed on my back. The process was finished the week of the 20th anniversary of going public about military sexual trauma (which had become a hot issue again 20 years later). The Wizard had provided me with and experience that left me feeling like I was really growing wings. They itched, they peeled, they hurt and sometimes were prickly.
The whole time the Wizard was doing his magic he told me he would also fix my cartoon Pinocchio ship on my lower back I had gotten may years before. Injury forced me to be patient and heal before I could return to cover my ship and I felt like I had just broken my wing I had just grown. The healing journey from my injury involved many lessons that were all for my own benefit and assisted my developmental growth. Later in the year I had a black mysterious ship with a lighthouse placed over my old tattoo. When I saw it finished, I saw my wings as heaven (Angelic and from above) and the ship as hell (darkness and below heaven). The ship was the vessel that would take you down the River Styx if you harmed me. I had dark and light, I had balance.
I sought out the past life regression therapist and went to see him again. It was a joyful day that brought much healing. There I did sessions with him and his beautiful wife and discovered what my rainbow wings meant. He told me I could communicate, with anyone, at any age, at any level and leave an impression, make a difference in their lives. It started to make sense. I always thought I never fit in anywhere. After this I realized I did not fit anywhere because I belonged everywhere. I realized the only person I needed to please, accept and love was myself. The external reward system of society would never lead me to confidence, respect, value or worth, these must all come from within.
My wings remind me to love myself, believe in myself, and to have faith in myself. They are my heaven. My ship is everything I have been through, the rough journey on the Sea of life yet as much as it represents HELL, the lighthouse reminds me to look to the light and reminds me of my wings.
I can go through hell, but heaven will always be with me too.
Balance……….

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

I was a caterpillar,
crawling through life;
when I found a beautiful plant
and spun my cocoon.
As I metamorphasisized
and grew my wings,
I thought about
how grateful I was,
for the hibernation.
For I had only experienced life
from one perspective.
When my wings had grown,
The struggle began
as I broke free from the confines
of my cocoon.
I thought of how the fight and the change;
no matter how hard it was,
no matter how much it hurt,
no matter how much pain it caused,
was going to be worth it.
I was no longer
going to see the world
just from the ground.
When the time finally came
and I spread my wings,
I could fly.
Bright, bold and rainbow
I used my wings
to fly high.
I let the wind
blow me around.
I was happy.
I needed to learn,
and then when I
established control,
I could see from above
and
I could fly down below and
I could sit on
a plant like before.
I could see the world
from 2 different
perspectives,
and it allowed me
to be free.
The watcher and
the experiencer.
The best of both worlds.
Once I could fly,
I never once
looked back on
the struggle in the cocoon.
I had a whole new way
to look at everything.

The roots I have grown remind me of the blood blood red of a rose, full if beauty and tragedy.

The foundation I have built with beautiful Souls reminds me of the orange sky at sunset.

The joy I feel when gratitude overfills me reminds me of the yellow in a Micheal Angelo painting.

The love I have in my heart reminds me of a walk in the forest amongst the green leaves of the maples, oaks and poplars, not to mention the stunning evergreens.

The truth I speak reminds me of the water. It is blue like the Ocean reflecting the sky. It can be harsh and hurt or soft and gentle.

The knowledge I have gained in this lifetime reminds of the Indigo sky at Dawn or Twilight where the night sky is about to break out more stars than I can ever see.

The Wisdom I possess through trials and tribulations reminds me of a Crown, Sovereignty. Gold and violet. It is an obligation to use my suffering to assist others on their healing journey.

A journey to self enlightenment.

A journey of becoming themselves.

Renegade Lightworker

I am on a journey to becoming a better speaker and getting more out there. I entered a contest and didn’t win but it inspired me to continue to become the best version of myself possible. Here is a video I did for the contest that I was most proud of, however, it was too long to submit https://youtu.be/zFA8mGlH3Lc

Strength

I was strong enough to survive my grandfather thinking I was an object for his pleasure.
I was strong enough to survive my alcohol mother who eventually got sober.
I was strong enough to survive losing my virginity being raped in sea cadets.
I was strong enough to survive moving out on my own and still receive my high school diploma.
I was strong enough to survive joining the Military, being charged for speaking out about being raped and losing my career.
I was strong enough to survive 3 abusive husbands, the beatings that came with them, and countless horrible men who saw me as nothing more than a conquest.
I was strong enough to survive raising my 2 Sons as well as some of their friends even though it cost me my sanity at times.
I was strong enough to survive speaking out publicly about sexual abuse in the military and the aftermath that occurred at a time where it was unspoken of and you were supposed to just be quiet.
I was strong enough to survive going to University full time while working full time and raising my boys.
I was strong enough to survive keeping a roof over my families head no matter the cost to my Soul.
I was strong enough to survive the many suicide attempts and my scars have become reminders that I have lived and are being replaced with beautiful tattoos.
I was strong enough to survive leaving my home and the only place that ever felt safe to me and find a new family and place to belong.
I was strong enough to survive the constant feelings of abandonment and betrayal and turn them into a purpose.
I was strong enough to survive anything that was thrown at me and it has made me realize that no matter what may come I will always be strong enough to survive.

So many people judge what they cannot see and what they do not know. They react to someone with disdain or sarcasm without knowing one thing about that person. These are the fake people who walk around thinking they are above others and have no compassion. If you see someone with an obvious disability you often feel compelled to assist in some way but what about people who have invisible injuries, like post traumatic stress injury, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, diabetes and many other things.
Stress takes its toll on everyone and some of these people are on their last legs and pretending really good so that others don’t worry about them or put them down.
Life is hard enough, before you judge, look down upon, talk shit or demean someone look in the mirror and think about what gives you the right, you don’t even know them.
To all my friends and family that life has knocked down for a bit, I want you to know I understand and you are never alone and I will never judge you, no matter what you have done. The past is the past. Positive change is possible. Keep your chin up. Stand Tall. Be proud and have a most excellent day.

#RenegadeLightworker

Waking up

This World is not mine

I came here to learn.

I came here to do my best

To bring peace among humanity;

To initiate change

To promote awareness.

My mission is important

But this journey

Has been a hard one.

So much pain,

So much sorrow,

But beautiful enlightenment.

The chaos creates beauty

As my light shines

Brighter and brighter.

The future is mine.

I will be the light

I always knew I was.

I have always said

I did not belong here.

This is not my home,

But I have a purpose.

To reunite the people

With our Mother the Earth

And with each other

With love, gratitude and peace.