The roots I have grown remind me of the blood blood red of a rose, full if beauty and tragedy.
The foundation I have built with beautiful Souls reminds me of the orange sky at sunset.
The joy I feel when gratitude overfills me reminds me of the yellow in a Micheal Angelo painting.
The love I have in my heart reminds me of a walk in the forest amongst the green leaves of the maples, oaks and poplars, not to mention the stunning evergreens.
The truth I speak reminds me of the water. It is blue like the Ocean reflecting the sky. It can be harsh and hurt or soft and gentle.
The knowledge I have gained in this lifetime reminds of the Indigo sky at Dawn or Twilight where the night sky is about to break out more stars than I can ever see.
The Wisdom I possess through trials and tribulations reminds me of a Crown, Sovereignty. Gold and violet. It is an obligation to use my suffering to assist others on their healing journey.
A journey to self enlightenment.
A journey of becoming themselves.
I am on a journey to becoming a better speaker and getting more out there. I entered a contest and didn’t win but it inspired me to continue to become the best version of myself possible. Here is a video I did for the contest that I was most proud of, however, it was too long to submit https://youtu.be/zFA8mGlH3Lc
I was strong enough to survive my grandfather thinking I was an object for his pleasure.
I was strong enough to survive my alcohol mother who eventually got sober.
I was strong enough to survive losing my virginity being raped in sea cadets.
I was strong enough to survive moving out on my own and still receive my high school diploma.
I was strong enough to survive joining the Military, being charged for speaking out about being raped and losing my career.
I was strong enough to survive 3 abusive husbands, the beatings that came with them, and countless horrible men who saw me as nothing more than a conquest.
I was strong enough to survive raising my 2 Sons as well as some of their friends even though it cost me my sanity at times.
I was strong enough to survive speaking out publicly about sexual abuse in the military and the aftermath that occurred at a time where it was unspoken of and you were supposed to just be quiet.
I was strong enough to survive going to University full time while working full time and raising my boys.
I was strong enough to survive keeping a roof over my families head no matter the cost to my Soul.
I was strong enough to survive the many suicide attempts and my scars have become reminders that I have lived and are being replaced with beautiful tattoos.
I was strong enough to survive leaving my home and the only place that ever felt safe to me and find a new family and place to belong.
I was strong enough to survive the constant feelings of abandonment and betrayal and turn them into a purpose.
I was strong enough to survive anything that was thrown at me and it has made me realize that no matter what may come I will always be strong enough to survive.
So many people judge what they cannot see and what they do not know. They react to someone with disdain or sarcasm without knowing one thing about that person. These are the fake people who walk around thinking they are above others and have no compassion. If you see someone with an obvious disability you often feel compelled to assist in some way but what about people who have invisible injuries, like post traumatic stress injury, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, diabetes and many other things.
Stress takes its toll on everyone and some of these people are on their last legs and pretending really good so that others don’t worry about them or put them down.
Life is hard enough, before you judge, look down upon, talk shit or demean someone look in the mirror and think about what gives you the right, you don’t even know them.
To all my friends and family that life has knocked down for a bit, I want you to know I understand and you are never alone and I will never judge you, no matter what you have done. The past is the past. Positive change is possible. Keep your chin up. Stand Tall. Be proud and have a most excellent day.
This World is not mine
I came here to learn.
I came here to do my best
To bring peace among humanity;
To initiate change
To promote awareness.
My mission is important
But this journey
Has been a hard one.
So much pain,
So much sorrow,
But beautiful enlightenment.
The chaos creates beauty
As my light shines
Brighter and brighter.
The future is mine.
I will be the light
I always knew I was.
I have always said
I did not belong here.
This is not my home,
But I have a purpose.
To reunite the people
With our Mother the Earth
And with each other
With love, gratitude and peace.
I manifested what I desired most when I was a child. I fell in love with the tale of Sleeping Beauty and the little Princess Aurora. I wanted to fall asleep and get awoken with the kiss of a handsome Prince and live happily ever after. You see Aurora was also the Roman name of the Goddess of the Dawn and this intrigued me like never before. I wanted to be her so badly. I can remember listening to the record on my tiny record player and turning the pages in the book when the little bell went off. I dreamed of this, I escaped to it.
Books became my go-to. I loved reading and I loved to write. I can remember the librarian telling me that I should never judge a book by its cover and she would read the stories I wrote to the class during library time. When things got bad I could escape into a book, become the main character and use my imagination. I loved myths and fairy tales and saw them as real, I never thought someone would spend the time writing down something that wasn’t true in the past. I could tell the difference between fiction and non-fiction. I knew from a very young age that even those fiction romance novels had some basis and came from somewhere.
I suffered several splits in my personality due to trauma at various stages of my life and when I was 19 I suffered a catastrophic split that essentially put me to sleep developmentally. A fracture in my psyche basically kept me at the age of 19 and I was going through life, learning, living, surviving but never mentally growing. I was attaining knowledge but storing it for future reference. I was functioning but not at the level I always wanted to. I wasn’t excelling, I was not growing, I was stuck, and I knew it. I was in a prison in my mind just waiting to break out. If that prison wasn’t bad enough I put my mind into a state of solitary confinement to protect what was left of my innocence and my inner child that always seemed to get hurt. I allowed people to hurt me but constantly broke free of them, just not myself. I could not open the door to that cell because I was not ready. I had to raise my children. They had become my purpose, but I didn’t have very many tools in my toolbox and I did the best that I could with what I had. When they were young it was easy because I loved to do things that kids liked to do. I took them to baseball, I had them in Beavers and Cubs. They both played Lacrosse. We often went fishing and I took them to family gatherings with my parents. I carried a huge guilt because I was in school full-time learning to be a Registered Nurse and I was working full time to support them because my pension from Veteran’s Affairs was not enough and at this time they did not pay for education. After I finished my education because I was a Nurse I often had to work nights, weekends, holidays and my boys paid the price. Because I was busy trying to keep the roof over my son’s head and provide for them they became more dependant on their social circle and I then became a street mom, which I did not mind because I loved the company and it was like I had my own little wolf pack and I was the Den Leader. I got denied my chance to be a leader in the Military but here maybe I could mould some young minds. What I didn’t realize is when my children were teenagers I was developmentally still a teenager, sort of frozen in time. I became a friend to my children instead of their mother and there were major respect issues. I look back and I had been taught to not respect myself so how could I have ever taught my Son’s to respect me. I had no self-worth, no self-esteem and didn’t think I was competent or capable due to my conditioning from my family, my teachers, and society in general.
When my youngest Son turned 18 there was an actual physical separation between my Sons’ and I which I needed. A break from the teenage world I had been submersed in and was stuck. I moved to the Reserve to be with what I thought was my Prince Charming, the man who was going to ride out of the sunset and save me and essentially, he did, but not in true story book fashion. You see I had failed to read Blackbeard or maybe I did and just never thought it would happen to me (although it already had twice). I started to finally settle and feel safe and reconnect with my environment. I started to feel at peace and come out of my cocoon or self-imposed prison just a little bit. I started in a controlled environment of going back to University again. I enrolled in Indigenous Studies and I started to see my children again but began to establish boundaries which they are still learning to adjust to and I began by aggressively setting them.
My moment of waking up did not come from a kiss by my Prince, it was a blow to the head via cell phone. It was a culmination of all my abuse and it was like a white light surrounded me and woke me completely up. I could see again and feel again, and I knew what I wanted, what I needed and what I would accept. I just needed to learn how to communicate it as I still had the social skills of a child. I had been asleep, and the world had really changed. It was different, I saw it in a different way. I could see what was real and what was fake and there was validation in it. My good friend said she had heard what I was talking about referenced as “sleepwalking” through life. I had essentially learned the skills to survive and cope during crisis, but I had stored the knowledge necessary to allow me to grow deep in my subconscious. I was awake but sleeping, what a concept.
When all of this came into clarity for me I was sitting with my psychiatrist Dr. Thirlwell and her friend Celyne and we were talking about how positive thinking really does change things and if we think our lives are shit, they will be and that every single person has the ability to manifest what they desire most but most people are veiled to this. Asleep. I had the good fortune of being able to wake up and see clearly. I then realized that I had truly manifested what I most desired as a child, I became my own version of Sleeping Beauty. I had gone to sleep and raised my children while doing this and woke up at the same age as them mentally, emotionally and developmentally. I am physically older than them, their mother but my brain stayed stuck. My youngest son says he describes me to his friends as “An adult with a child-like mind.” I see this as a good thing, not a bad. He sees me and accepts me even with all the mistakes I made. He understands so that cannot mean that I did a horrible job raising him. I never wanted my children to end up like me, just like I never wanted to be my Mom but honestly if they have a little bit of me in them, I will be very proud. I do have values and I cannot change the past, all I can do now is lead by example and manifest beautiful things with words of gratitude and thankfulness. I can live my dreams, I can imagine things into existence. I can make something (me) out of nothing (what I thought I was) which I have been doing since I woke up.
Make your dreams a reality
Most people have heard the Bible story of Noah and the flood and how he and his wife, and their three sons gathered the animals 2 by 2 and saved them on the Ark he had been instructed to build. Noah saved mankind by keeping the animals safe and then his family repopulated the Earth after the waters subsided. Every culture has a flood story and because I know this I thought it would be pertinent to share my own Noah story. Its not quite the same as the flood story in the Bible and there is no real flood other than emotions and tears but there is a puppy involved so an animal is accounted for.
I moved to a new city because I was fleeing a domestic violence situation and was in fear. I knew very few people in this new city and felt like a kid in grade one at a new school and was extremely socially awkward. My PTSD and anxiety were on super high alert and I was in constant panic mode. I was jumpy, I was on edge, I was angry, I was aggressive, and I was sad because I knew I wasn’t myself. I was in a pain I had never been in physically and my brain was scrambled. I didn’t know if I was coming or going half of the time. My childhood friend who I trusted implicitly because of our pasts was very busy and knew someone that lived near the new building I lived in and asked him to befriend me. This kind Soul bore the name Noah. I had never met anyone named Noah and this young man lived up to his namesake. He was not the kind of person you would want to mess with, he looked kind of rough around the edges which I guess on the exterior makes him look unapproachable, but this kid had a heart of gold. He will tell you that he did nothing for me, but you know what he did, he listened. He let me vent and he acknowledged my feelings. He let me feel them. He didn’t tell me they were wrong. He often said, “I am sorry you feel that way Dawn, that must be hard.” I had never had anyone say anything other than feeling was wrong or that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. I questioned my own feelings thinking they were wrong because other people had not wanted to deal with them as they made them uncomfortable or they didn’t feel the same way. Just because you don’t feel the same way doesn’t mean you dismiss the way someone else feels. Noah made me feel like it was alright to feel, and I finally felt like I had a real friend. I had made a couple, but this was someone who took time to listen to me when I was sad and sometimes stopped everything to talk to me for a few minutes to calm me down and then would check on me as soon as he wasn’t busy.
I was not adjusting to my new life so well and it was taking a turn for the worse. I wanted all my pain to end and I wanted everything to be over. I had been abused, taken advantage of, lost almost everything and I did not want to live anymore. It was late at night and I had no where to go and I had my puppy, a beautiful female German Shepard named Dutchess Von Dee. I wanted to end it all and I called Noah. He had just gone to bed and had only been asleep for about 40 minutes. This guy lived a busy life and hardly did anything for himself including sleep. He tried to talk me down and into going back to my apartment, but I could not go back to my 11th floor apartment, I wanted to jump out the windows and there were 5 floor to ceiling door/windows just calling my name. I had already put several cuts in my wrist, but they were not deep, they just reminded me I was still alive, and this was all real. Noah brought me into where he was staying and listened to me ramble about not wanting to be here anymore. He knew I had an appointment with my therapist the next morning and if he could just get me through to that I would be okay. He called my childhood friend who could not do anything as he was busy with his family so Noah stayed with me until I had to go to my appointment. He made me go to sleep as he knew I had not had much and needed to drive an hour to my appointment. He made me feel safe. He made me feel important and he taught me a very important lesson that night. I didn’t want to do it anymore because I did not believe in myself. I did not think I was important. The lesson he drilled into my head that morning was that other people believed in me like him. Other people thought I was important. He instilled into me by making me repeat over and over
“Noah thinks I can.”
He said if I don’t think I can I must repeat “Noah thinks I can.” This was a bad ass dude and he believed in me. He knew I could accomplish it, even when I doubted myself. I had no faith in me, but Noah did. He could see me. Noah helped me with my puppy and helped me even when he didn’t have to. I drove all the way to my appointment with my therapist that day saying, “Noah thinks I can, Noah thinks I can,” He became my little train that could. I got there, and my therapist took over. I had never been so grateful that I had a friend who cared enough to forgo sleep and listen to me vent and cry to keep me alive. He let me start to get it out and it is still a work in progress.
I told Noah I would repay his kindness in someway and that I was forever in his debt. He was extremely chivalrous and said it was not necessary, but I never forget a good deed and my Soul was saved that day because he cared enough to save it. Life did not go so good for Noah because of a series of unfortunate circumstances but when I went to try to help (no one would listen to me as a Woman) I got to meet his family. I met his father and expressed my gratitude at what his Son had done to keep a Veteran alive. I also met his friend Joe who is also a caring and compassionate Soul. I keep doing what I can for Noah who just had a beautiful Son himself because I am a loyal and dedicated friend. I got to meet his wife and Son and even hold the beautiful little boy. Although I was rather disappointed he didn’t come out with a full beard. I don’t care what anyone says about Noah, the World is a better place with him because he cared enough to save a girl he barely knew because he knew of her. That deserves the utmost respect, which society does not see anymore. They see people’s wrong-doing, their mistakes and they play on those. They judge them on their pasts and assume they are the same people they were yesterday. I am never the same person I was the day before because I learn from everyone I meet in person or online, and I have met many people who woke up one morning and said, “Enough of the bullshit, I want to change.” It is called an epiphany and being real. Some refer to it as a Spiritual Awakening. It is also called dealing with your emotions.
So, my Noah didn’t save the whole world and all its animals from a flood, but he saved me from drowning in my own negativity and self-doubt by believing in me enough for both of us.