Tag awakening

The Tale of The Walls

The Tale of The Walls

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow those walls down because I want what you have.”

“I will take your power your innocence and leave you feeling a living dead girl broken and not able to see your own light.”

At a very young age I had my “NO” taken away and learned you need it to hide your true self. Put on a smile, do what you’re told, suck it up, be a good girl, and big girls don’t cry.

I was born into a family where most could not see my gifts and forced me to suppress them and those that saw my specialness decided to greedily take a piece of it for themselves.

Not able to verbalize what was going on or chastitized for telling the truth, I built a wall of straw because I knew I needed protection. This wall was to protect me from my family because although they were supposed to protect me they failed to do so as they had their own issues add their own issues. Alcoholism, abandonment, and abuse left me with an insecure attachment and not knowing what love or acceptance looked like. I did not know where I fit in or where I belonged. I knew I was a part of my family, I looked like them, talked like them, liked what they liked, but I did not feel like one of them.

Those walls broke down easily and at school and in the community, I learned you needed stronger walls. So, I built walls of sticks and wood. Teachers can be cruel. They have their favorites and succeeding doesn’t get you anywhere if someone has slapped a label on you.

Difficult, hard to handle, too emotional, not a good role model, and not good enough to be Valedictorian despite straight A’s.

It was better to judge me or call me names and degrade me then find out what was really going on with me or show some interest in my life or well being.

A desire to be a part of something beggar, to see the world, to be of service to humanity, and a thirst for knowledge led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces. A quest to hopefully get educated enough to become a doctor.

I built walls of brick in attempt to be Bad-Ass, tough and able to take on anything. I wanted to be the best me possible and be all I could be.  A defender, a protector, a leader, and a helper. Children that don’t feel wanted, grow up and often go into professions where they feel needed.

Well in the military they know how to blow things up and friendly fire on domestic territory left me and my walls of bricks shattered into a million pieces and a desire for safety and security that led me to run for a safe room.

Betrayed, abandoned, rejected yet again and conditioned to believe I was a bad person, that things were my fault, and I was a failure I then locked myself in a safe room metaphorically where the only way anyone could get near me was if I invited them in. Letting people into my safe room was not a successful way to move forward.  Those I invited in brought their trauma, issues and conditioning into my safe room with them making the environment toxic, negative and full of bitterness and ungratefulness.

I wanted better. I wanted to move forward and go from surviving to thriving. I began to understand my vulnerability was my strength. My adversity had made me resilient and able to overcome any obstacle. When I started to tear down my walls and be true to myself, I started to accept myself and love myself. 

I found a way to leave the safe room and face the Big Bad World. By conquering fears, wanting change and more for myself I was able to transform my hurt to lessons. By challenging myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable I can transmute the darkness to light. I can finally step into my power by taking control of my feelings, my actions, my behaviors, and by being accountable to myself. I fall down a lot without the security of 4 walls protecting me but they only kept me in a Box where I could not see my true potential. I could only see shadows and glimpses of what could be. I was looking through the window of my safe room watching the Big Bad World but not participating. 

I feel so I can deal than I can heal. I left the safe room and I’m finally free to be the real me.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

The Tale of Heaven and Hell

The Tale of Heaven and Hell

A long time ago, I think I may have been married to my second husband at the time, I was going through a “pre-awakening.” I was still asleep, but I was searching. Searching for something that I thought was bigger than me but eventually found it within myself. I had a strong sense of being different and not belonging. Conventional psychology/psychiatry in my hometown was not helping me grow. Religion had not held the answers I was searching for. My first husband was a Jehovah’s Witness and although it was not for me (apparently neither was he) I learned to look at theories and philosophies and see them from different perspectives. Big pictures.
I went to a past life regression therapist and had an enlightening session although I was still a little skeptical at the time. At the end of the session, he led me on a meditation to see if I had wings. I saw the most magnificent huge Rainbow wings radiating from my body. I could not wrap my head around that vision, but it left an impression and always stayed in the back of my mind. Big Beautiful Stunning Rainbow Wings.
I could not wrap my head around the vision because I was stuck in a negative mindset where I though I was forsaken, everything bad happened because of me and I was a failure that could not do anything right.
I could not look in a mirror without seeing everything that was wrong with me and all my flaws. I lived and breathed my sons, yet my own trauma kept me from being a real mother. I was more of a friend, and I wanted them to love me so badly I made many mistakes. I look back now and know that I did the best I could at the capacity I was able to.
Ever since I was young, I had a desire to serve humanity and a feeling I was different from the rest of my family. I wanted everyone around me to be happy. I felt all of their emotions and often felt like a peacemaker or peacekeeper. I smiled all the time because that is what “good little girls” are supposed to do.
My desire to serve humanity led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces where I dreamed of being a part of something bigger and making a difference.
It did not turn out the way I planned, and I ended up leaving the military with feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection, thinking I had failed and that I was only good enough to be an object for men’s pleasure, it also left me with some amazing skills and abilities to be able to adapt and overcome any situation placed before me. I learned some ridiculously hard lessons through trauma that have allowed me to turn my knowledge into wisdom.
Going public with my story from the Military and my desire to make sure others did not feel alone got met with ostracism, disbelief, and lots of judgment. Assisting others with no framework or understanding of trauma and not realizing or comprehending the fact I could absorb the emotions of others led me to decide I needed to educate myself, research my own trauma and get a better understanding of how to assist others.
I took my 2 young Sons and met the Director of the new nursing program that was starting at Trent University and applied for the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program. Other than wanting to help others I did not have a clue about what I was doing. I was in survival mode, and I wanted a better future for my sons. As much as I wanted to give up, those two kept me going.
There was something in my blood that kept me fighting. My dad tried to instill in my brother and I to be lovers not fighters, but I learned young I had to fight for his attention and love. His Father (my grandfather) had been a boxer and we learned young how to use our fists. I was competent, just not supported or encouraged. I had my grandfather’s boxing Spirit of no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get back up. Sometimes I have tripped and fell down myself and I know its important to get up, dust off and keep going. I also had to acknowledge self-sabotage and how my trauma was affecting all of my relationships.
So, after I literally knocked myself out one day (seriously, I threw a rocking chair, it bounced off the wall, hit me in the head and knocked me out; not sure if my head cracked it or the wall). I had to take a cold hard look at what I wanted and what I was willing to accept in my life. I was in the process of leaving my third husband who thought I was a white devil whore and had awakened me from my Sleeping Beauty-bubble state in more ways than one.
The reconnection to Mother Earth, nature and an introduction to Indigenous Studies provided me with a different perspective on life I was extremely grateful for. The knowledge from the strong, beautiful Women he had introduced me to was what guided me after the cell phone to the side of the head awakened me to the fact, I needed to break free, find myself and look deep within. I had to look in my toolbox and discard the tools that were no longer working for me (metaphorically I had a fisher price hammer and a couple Barbies in there) and get some new upgraded grown up tools.
Boundaries were what I needed, not to mention some self-worth, self-respect, self-value, and some confidence. I had been badly submitted, dominated, and conditioned by my family, my community, my teachers, leaders, and Society at large.
I had been told by my ex-husband and my brother that I could never survive on my own and I was silly enough to believe them at that time.
Everything changed the day I met a man that stood before me like a mirror and somehow radiated back to me (like a mirror) an image of myself that saw how all these previous failures could be reframed into accomplishments. It was like a light switch was turned on. I had been looking for a switch outside of myself in therapy, relationships, compassionate acts, love, and the switch had been inside of me all along. All the lessons in all the hurt and trauma were overwhelming and hard to process but I could see the light in the darkness finally. I was now on a quest to discover what I enjoyed and what I was capable of. The possibilities before me now were infinite and I was looking at the world through child-like eyes where everything was a blessing and opportunity. It was like I was seeing it all for the first time with new eyes.
Something kept taking me back to those rainbow wings. I wrote a lot about rainbows after my mother passed away, picturing her dancing under one.
In my first act of my own rebellion, I decided to get those rainbow wings tattooed on my back. I was going to go big or go home. I challenged myself, went way outside my comfort zone and moved to a city where I knew few people. My friend found me a tattoo artist that turned out to be a Wizard.
I told the Wizard my vision and we discussed the meaning of my wings. I told him they will represent everything I have overcome. Every feather would represent a trauma that taught me a lesson and gifted me with wisdom. I started my wings on my Granddaughter’s 6th birthday and spent 23 hours getting a priceless piece of art tattooed on my back. The process was finished the week of the 20th anniversary of going public about military sexual trauma (which had become a hot issue again 20 years later). The Wizard had provided me with and experience that left me feeling like I was really growing wings. They itched, they peeled, they hurt and sometimes were prickly.
The whole time the Wizard was doing his magic he told me he would also fix my cartoon Pinocchio ship on my lower back I had gotten may years before. Injury forced me to be patient and heal before I could return to cover my ship and I felt like I had just broken my wing I had just grown. The healing journey from my injury involved many lessons that were all for my own benefit and assisted my developmental growth. Later in the year I had a black mysterious ship with a lighthouse placed over my old tattoo. When I saw it finished, I saw my wings as heaven (Angelic and from above) and the ship as hell (darkness and below heaven). The ship was the vessel that would take you down the River Styx if you harmed me. I had dark and light, I had balance.
I sought out the past life regression therapist and went to see him again. It was a joyful day that brought much healing. There I did sessions with him and his beautiful wife and discovered what my rainbow wings meant. He told me I could communicate, with anyone, at any age, at any level and leave an impression, make a difference in their lives. It started to make sense. I always thought I never fit in anywhere. After this I realized I did not fit anywhere because I belonged everywhere. I realized the only person I needed to please, accept and love was myself. The external reward system of society would never lead me to confidence, respect, value or worth, these must all come from within.
My wings remind me to love myself, believe in myself, and to have faith in myself. They are my heaven. My ship is everything I have been through, the rough journey on the Sea of life yet as much as it represents HELL, the lighthouse reminds me to look to the light and reminds me of my wings.
I can go through hell, but heaven will always be with me too.
Balance……….

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

Victim, Survivour, Hero

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

Reflections part one

This is me and my brother Andy. His birthday is 8 days before mine and we are what is known as Irish twins. Born within a year of each other.
Now the reason I am posting this is because I see a serious flaw I would like to point out. My brother has his dukes up. He was taught that, to be a little fighter and believe me, him and I got into some pretty crazy battles so I learned quick. When we were young my Dad would put the boxing gloves on us and then we would fight. When I started to win it was game over. Couldn’t have the girl beating up the boy. Then Andy got taught he should be a lover not a fighter… Yah well this isn’t about him so we can stop right there.
I got to sit in the background as the girl and hear all these things but I was expected to put on the dress and act differently. It’s un-ladylike to want to fight, it’s not very girly-girl to act that way. So from the start there was a double standard I have had to fight. I have fought so hard to get where I am. I have fought to expose the truth, I have fought to find myself and I have fought for the rights of others to be treated fairly. I have fought for love, love that wasn’t even worth fighting for because fighting was what I knew. I had to fight myself to finally love myself. I am the black sheep of the family for doing what is right because it’s the right thing to do and it’s OK. I cannot fit into a World I was not meant to fit into.
I was taught to be passive, submissive, unasserting, non-resistant, docile. meek, non-aggressive and afraid while my brother got taught right from the start to be dominant and aggressive. Had I not had my Brother I would not have learned how to be a fighter. I also thought that as a girl watching Disney someone was going to rescue me but nope, had to do that myself as well.
I am learning that while I still need to stand up for myself, it is OK to not fight the battle, just let it go as well. Feel the pain, surrender to it and deal. It’s not pretty but the other side sure is…. The other side of the pain, when you realize how beautiful and worthwhile you are, what your value is and the only person you need to impress is yourself.

Rainbow Vision

The roots I have grown remind me of the blood blood red of a rose, full if beauty and tragedy.

The foundation I have built with beautiful Souls reminds me of the orange sky at sunset.

The joy I feel when gratitude overfills me reminds me of the yellow in a Micheal Angelo painting.

The love I have in my heart reminds me of a walk in the forest amongst the green leaves of the maples, oaks and poplars, not to mention the stunning evergreens.

The truth I speak reminds me of the water. It is blue like the Ocean reflecting the sky. It can be harsh and hurt or soft and gentle.

The knowledge I have gained in this lifetime reminds of the Indigo sky at Dawn or Twilight where the night sky is about to break out more stars than I can ever see.

The Wisdom I possess through trials and tribulations reminds me of a Crown, Sovereignty. Gold and violet. It is an obligation to use my suffering to assist others on their healing journey.

A journey to self enlightenment.

A journey of becoming themselves.

Renegade Lightworker

Freedom

There are a lot of people out there

that take one side and judge.

They see the view of one person only.

They are anti this and pro that.

There is their way or the highway.

They quickly weed their circle of friends

of anyone that does not share

their grandiose views and opinions.

They fail to see any World

except the one they live in.

They are sometimes irrational in their beliefs

and cannot actually tell you

why they are standing that ground.

These people fail to take personal accountability

or admit any wrongdoings.


Then there are the rare gems in the crowd.

That look outside the box,

they get a feel for others,

they listen to all involved.

These diamonds in a World of coal

cannot even form an opinion

as they see the story from all angles.

The big picture presents itself to them,

the consequences, the reprecussions, the wholeness.

These are the people

that fight for the freedom

for you to be your authentic self,

for you to believe what you believe.

These people are the ones

that would lay down their life

to protect truth and innocence.

If they could take your suffering away,

They would.

These are often the outcasts of Society,

The Black Sheep, The Witch, The Crazy Ones.

The ones the majority of Society snubs

because they don’t “Get them.”

These are your Angels, your Gods, your Goddesses,

your Brothers, Sisters, Mothers, and Fathers.

That you have abandoned, forsaken and betrayed.

These are the ones that are still willing

to show you the way

with patience, non-judgment

and LOVE.

Waking Up~A Poem

Waking up

This World is not mine

I came here to learn.

I came here to do my best

To bring peace among humanity;

To initiate change

To promote awareness.

My mission is important

But this journey

Has been a hard one.

So much pain,

So much sorrow,

But beautiful enlightenment.

The chaos creates beauty

As my light shines

Brighter and brighter.

The future is mine.

I will be the light

I always knew I was.

I have always said

I did not belong here.

This is not my home,

But I have a purpose.

To reunite the people

With our Mother the Earth

And with each other

With love, gratitude and peace.

Be the light

Let your light shine so others can see the way. Life is difficult enough.

Be positive and give someone a compliment. Remember that feeling you get when you make someone smile. Be gentle in your dominance. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing is wrong but you can tell them in a loving manner. I have always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Until recently in my life I had not met many others that lived by this statement however, since I broke free and started climbing the stairs of life I have been staring at for a while things have been changing and I am starting to see what others have always seen.
I created my own darkness to protect myself and now want to shine as bright as I can so others will as well.
#letyourlightshine #RenegadeLightworker #OCG #leadbyexample #VeteransAssistingVeterans #VeteransAssistingCommunities
http://www.renegadelightworker.com

Renegade Lightworker

Be a Leader

As a Veteran (although my career was shortlived) I learned some incredible skills of overcoming and adapting. I may not have had the longest career but I never lost my desire to Serve and have done so through many different avenues (volunteering, my choice of employment, my family status). My path has not been an easy one, nor has many of my friends. Many of my friends that Served have suffered some form of catastrophic trauma yet they continue on despite it. They suffer (sometimes siliently) yet they do not know how to “Not Serve.” This can cause severe isolation or sometimes a person overburdening themselves with caring often to their own detriment.
I have found that most need to Serve in some way as part of their healing journey and I feel that if broken Veterans (or their family members/caregivers) who have gone through or witnessed hell still have a desire to Serve they should begin in their Communities and show the rest of the World that no matter what we have gone through we still continue to shine and be the leaders we all knew we were going to be when we joined and before the incident (whatever that was).
Volunteer in your Community in some manner, offer the expertise you have (even if it is just about life) to someone else. Children are an excellent avenue. Get involved somewhere, it does not have to be with other Veterans, it can just be with your Community.
You have a knowledge that no one else in your Community has. It is called real-life knowledge. Instead of sitting around dwelling on the negativity, take that pain and go out and do something about it. Make sure the next generation or the people around you know that no matter what life did to you, you survived and you continue to keep going. You are a true Warrior and an example for others.
Be a Leader in your Community and be the change you always wanted to see.

#RenegadeLightworker

Discovering Energy

I spent a long time withdrawn from the World in a self-imposed prison of the mind due to my PTSD. I convinced myself that I was forsaken and that bad things happened because of me. I constantly picked up on the bad vibrations in the World and the negative energy people carried with them without even knowing. I had known for a very long time that I felt other peoples pain, sorrow, anger, fear and grief as well as their joy, happiness, elation and love. Because of my own negative mindset induced by various trauma and muliple episodes of re-victimization I failed to see the good right before my eyes and was caught in a cycle of blame, guilt, and self-pity.

I did not know about energy and how it flows all around us. This was not in my traditional upbringing or covered in any of my tradtional education, including my Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I always knew there was an outside force I did not comprehend and it affected me but without being able to put a name to it I could not understand it and I am the type of person that totally needs to know what I am dealing with so I can combat it or work with it.

I had a deep connection with nature when I was young and I loved it. I felt like Snow White and I could communicate with the forest and all of the animals. I saw things in the water that were not fish and because of my conditioning I was scared. No one understood what I was feeling or even believed me. When I was in Grade 3 I began to write stories. Every week I wrote a chapter about my friend Spooky the Ghost and our adventures. There was someone in my family home that I could feel but could not see. I knew he walked with me and did things with me and no one else could see him but I had no other words that Spooky the Ghost. Looking back now I find it ironic I called my friend Spooky but was not one bit afraid of him. There were certain places in my home that I could feel Spooky more than others. The basement was one of them. I should add that my Grandfather Dutch passed away in the driveway of my family home on 16 December 1970. I was born on 23 October 1972. My grandmother and parents would call me silly and shut me down quickly if i started to speak of him. I stopped feeling him but knew he was there, he didn`t make a real reappearance until I was 19 and got wrongfully punished in the Canadian Armed Forces. I knew he was in my room with me on my confinement to barracks but I could not put words to it until I was much older. I believe that is when I wrote my first letter to him, and when I began to put my thoughts to paper and process my feelings through a form of poetry. I was not educated in the art of poetry, only being taught things like Haiku in elementary school, and I do not recall having to write much of it in high school. I could put thoughts to paper like nothing else. My passion for writing that began in Grade 3 was reignited but sometimes I lost my passion because of my depression and anxiety and lack of belief in myself.

I wrote on and off over the years trying to process what was going on around me. I started a book that reached 660 pages before I quit writing in 2013 complete with documentation and pictures so it would be believed. For some reason I felt that I had to prove my life. When I moved out to Curve Lake First Nation Reserve #35 my connection with nature was re-established and I began to awaken again. My feelings began to flow on paper again. Good and bad and it all started to come out. Repressed pain and fear and love and all of the things I had bottled up for so long. Because I was living on a Reserve among Indigenous People I felt that I should take a course at school in Indigenous Studies and it was very eye opening for me. I actually went back to University after a 10 year abscence and sat in a class with a large group of individuals. A whole new perspective and take on life, through the eyes of a different Culture. I started to have a paradigm shift and see the World with different eyes. In my 2nd year I decided to take An Introduction to Indigenous Environmental Sciences and was introduced to Professor Dan Longboat, Director of the Indigenous Environmental Sciences program at Trent University and my life changed forever.

https://www.trentu.ca/indigenous/faculty-research/full-time/dan-longboat

I had never had a teacher thank me for attending class and make me feel what he was teaching. At the beginning of the course Professor Longboat made a point of talking about energy and how we all have it. He spoke of rhythm of energy in nature and how it is always constant and flows evenly in a gentle balance of up and down curves when it is actually measured as generally people cannot see this. Some have been known to feel it but if you were not taught of this concept it can be rather frightening. He spoke of how monks in meditation produce this same energy rhythm but the majority of the populations energy was extremely chaotic and illustrated it with a very jagged up and down line with no ebb and flow. There were no curvy flows, no rhyme or reason. This concerned me greatly as Professor Longboat said this was the reason behind much sickness and stress and heart disease. However suddenly my mind blew wind open because i could put a name to what i felt from people. Energy. We all had it, everything that was living possessed it and it could be felt on personal objects. I now knew why I picked up on things that others did not because I could feel the energy that surrounded everything and I have to be honest it was scary. It was frightening yet exhilirating to finally after all of these years have a validation that it was real. I was not crazy, I now had answers to the questions I had had for so long.

When I began to be able to put to words what I could feel all around me because I finally understood it my writing changed as well and I could tune into emotions in others. It was the start of my awakening. I knew I was an Empath and I could claim it but I needed to learn how to harness it so I was not a conduit for others emotions. I needed to find a balance between when to subject myself to this and when not to because i was starting to also realize that isolating was wrong. I was not really living and I had to create a new mindset. I needed to create boundaries, wear my invisible shield and prepare for battle when leaving my home and face the World head on. I finally began to be me. I finally started to use to tools in my toolbox that had been there for so long and grow. I also realized that if i could feel the energy I could project it and if your happy, even if your faking it a little everyone else is happy and then all of a sudden you really are happy. Happiness is contagious and no one really likes a person who is down all of the time. An amazing thing started to happen to me thought because the more positive I was about things, when I started to see that all my mistakes were not really mistakes but lessons I needed to learn and I tried to find the light in situations that should be very dark my whole mind, body and spirit shifted. The black hole inside of me that fed off of the negative emotions and mindset of others started to question the realness of the situation. If i could feed off of negative emotions and stay negative because the energy was bad I would stay that way but when I shifted into positive I started to see the good in even horrible situations and I became grateful for every experience I have had no matter how it played out. I was now able to integrate what was positive energy and what was negative and as I am a slow processor it took me a while. I met many along the way that are teaching me new tools to use when I am getting into my negative mindset because I truly want to believe my dreams are possible, just like anybody else. My favourite tool lately came from a friend Chris Power from Power Transition Services

https://www.powertransitions.ca

and https://www.facebook.com/powertransitions/

It was a meme that said to add the phrase -and it is okay- after everything so if I have a list of things to do and I only get one done, it is okay. This led me to start working on the fact that being so immersed in my negativity and trauma I had failed to see my successes and had not acknowledged them as I had become so hard on myself and used to what I thought was failure.

My discovery of energy and the way it changes everything as it is all around us was one of the most amazing realizations I have ever had. So if you do not like the negative vibes around you then change them up. Raise the vibrations in the room, put on a happy song, do a little dance, colour a picture, be happy. It ultimately is up to you, your choice. Stay stuck in the negative energy or evolve and raise your vibrations and live a little….