Tag HealingfromPTSD

Freedom

There are a lot of people out there

that take one side and judge.

They see the view of one person only.

They are anti this and pro that.

There is their way or the highway.

They quickly weed their circle of friends

of anyone that does not share

their grandiose views and opinions.

They fail to see any World

except the one they live in.

They are sometimes irrational in their beliefs

and cannot actually tell you

why they are standing that ground.

These people fail to take personal accountability

or admit any wrongdoings.


Then there are the rare gems in the crowd.

That look outside the box,

they get a feel for others,

they listen to all involved.

These diamonds in a World of coal

cannot even form an opinion

as they see the story from all angles.

The big picture presents itself to them,

the consequences, the reprecussions, the wholeness.

These are the people

that fight for the freedom

for you to be your authentic self,

for you to believe what you believe.

These people are the ones

that would lay down their life

to protect truth and innocence.

If they could take your suffering away,

They would.

These are often the outcasts of Society,

The Black Sheep, The Witch, The Crazy Ones.

The ones the majority of Society snubs

because they don’t “Get them.”

These are your Angels, your Gods, your Goddesses,

your Brothers, Sisters, Mothers, and Fathers.

That you have abandoned, forsaken and betrayed.

These are the ones that are still willing

to show you the way

with patience, non-judgment

and LOVE.

Dollz By Dezign

A few months ago I had the pleasure of coming into contact with a beautiful Soul named Skully. An epic beauty on Facebook had seen some of my posts and reached out to me saying that she thought that Skully could use someone like me to be a writer for her. We connected and had way more in common than we could have ever thought and I checked out the amazing website she had created. It can be found at:


http://dollzbydezign.ca/

Skully knew that I was a writer and that I had isolated myself badly due to the abuse in my life (the agoraphobia did not help) and I think in some ways she wanted to help bring me out of my shell a bit because she saw potential. A potential I was only beginning to see. I had been writing for years but it was all on paper. The only writing I had on my laptop that I could send her was poetry or my 660 page book but I did not want to overwhelm the Woman, jesus I had just met her. Poetry wasn’t really what she was all about so I read some of the other blogs on her site and I set about writing my first piece for something other than school for her. She had inspired me and I would like to share the link.

Breaking Free… By Dawn Mcilmoyle

I found out that Skully had created an event for this summer and it is The World’s Largest All Female Burnout World Record Attempt on July 6, 2019 in Smith Falls, Ontario. She has been working hard promoting this event at various functions and gathering others to participate in this event while putting it all together. This is extremely comendable. The All Female Burnout is being sponsored by Pace Law Firm and Mary McGee AMA Motorcycle Hall of Fame Inductee will be present at this event. I personally have had my M2 but let it expire and Skully inspired me to get it again so I can participate in this event and be a part of something bigger. If you are interested in this event I am putting a link to the Facebook Page that she has created. Check it out.

https://www.facebook.com/events/528289907568556/

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Peace, Friendship and Respect to All

#RenegadeLightworker

Be a Leader

As a Veteran (although my career was shortlived) I learned some incredible skills of overcoming and adapting. I may not have had the longest career but I never lost my desire to Serve and have done so through many different avenues (volunteering, my choice of employment, my family status). My path has not been an easy one, nor has many of my friends. Many of my friends that Served have suffered some form of catastrophic trauma yet they continue on despite it. They suffer (sometimes siliently) yet they do not know how to “Not Serve.” This can cause severe isolation or sometimes a person overburdening themselves with caring often to their own detriment.
I have found that most need to Serve in some way as part of their healing journey and I feel that if broken Veterans (or their family members/caregivers) who have gone through or witnessed hell still have a desire to Serve they should begin in their Communities and show the rest of the World that no matter what we have gone through we still continue to shine and be the leaders we all knew we were going to be when we joined and before the incident (whatever that was).
Volunteer in your Community in some manner, offer the expertise you have (even if it is just about life) to someone else. Children are an excellent avenue. Get involved somewhere, it does not have to be with other Veterans, it can just be with your Community.
You have a knowledge that no one else in your Community has. It is called real-life knowledge. Instead of sitting around dwelling on the negativity, take that pain and go out and do something about it. Make sure the next generation or the people around you know that no matter what life did to you, you survived and you continue to keep going. You are a true Warrior and an example for others.
Be a Leader in your Community and be the change you always wanted to see.

#RenegadeLightworker

Sleeping Beauty~DV Boss Style

I manifested what I desired most when I was a child.  I fell in love with the tale of Sleeping Beauty and the little Princess Aurora.  I wanted to fall asleep and get awoken with the kiss of a handsome Prince and live happily ever after.  You see Aurora was also the Roman name of the Goddess of the Dawn and this intrigued me like never before.  I wanted to be her so badly.  I can remember listening to the record on my tiny record player and turning the pages in the book when the little bell went off. I dreamed of this, I escaped to it. 

Books became my go-to.  I loved reading and I loved to write. I can remember the librarian telling me that I should never judge a book by its cover and she would read the stories I wrote to the class during library time. When things got bad I could escape into a book, become the main character and use my imagination.  I loved myths and fairy tales and saw them as real, I never thought someone would spend the time writing down something that wasn’t true in the past.  I could tell the difference between fiction and non-fiction.  I knew from a very young age that even those fiction romance novels had some basis and came from somewhere.

I suffered several splits in my personality due to trauma at various stages of my life and when I was 19 I suffered a catastrophic split that essentially put me to sleep developmentally.  A fracture in my psyche basically kept me at the age of 19 and I was going through life, learning, living, surviving but never mentally growing.  I was attaining knowledge but storing it for future reference.  I was functioning but not at the level I always wanted to.  I wasn’t excelling, I was not growing, I was stuck, and I knew it.  I was in a prison in my mind just waiting to break out. If that prison wasn’t bad enough I put my mind into a state of solitary confinement to protect what was left of my innocence and my inner child that always seemed to get hurt. I allowed people to hurt me but constantly broke free of them, just not myself.  I could not open the door to that cell because I was not ready.  I had to raise my children. They had become my purpose, but I didn’t have very many tools in my toolbox and I did the best that I could with what I had.  When they were young it was easy because I loved to do things that kids liked to do.  I took them to baseball, I had them in Beavers and Cubs.  They both played Lacrosse. We often went fishing and I took them to family gatherings with my parents.  I carried a huge guilt because I was in school full-time learning to be a Registered Nurse and I was working full time to support them because my pension from Veteran’s Affairs was not enough and at this time they did not pay for education. After I finished my education because I was a Nurse I often had to work nights, weekends, holidays and my boys paid the price. Because I was busy trying to keep the roof over my son’s head and provide for them they became more dependant on their social circle and I then became a street mom, which I did not mind because I loved the company and it was like I had my own little wolf pack and I was the Den Leader.  I got denied my chance to be a leader in the Military but here maybe I could mould some young minds. What I didn’t realize is when my children were teenagers I was developmentally still a teenager, sort of frozen in time.   I became a friend to my children instead of their mother and there were major respect issues.  I look back and I had been taught to not respect myself so how could I have ever taught my Son’s to respect me. I had no self-worth, no self-esteem and didn’t think I was competent or capable due to my conditioning from my family, my teachers, and society in general.

When my youngest Son turned 18 there was an actual physical separation between my Sons’ and I which I needed. A break from the teenage world I had been submersed in and was stuck.  I moved to the Reserve to be with what I thought was my Prince Charming, the man who was going to ride out of the sunset and save me and essentially, he did, but not in true story book fashion.  You see I had failed to read Blackbeard or maybe I did and just never thought it would happen to me (although it already had twice). I started to finally settle and feel safe and reconnect with my environment.  I started to feel at peace and come out of my cocoon or self-imposed prison just a little bit.  I started in a controlled environment of going back to University again.  I enrolled in Indigenous Studies and I started to see my children again but began to establish boundaries which they are still learning to adjust to and I began by aggressively setting them. 

My moment of waking up did not come from a kiss by my Prince, it was a blow to the head via cell phone.  It was a culmination of all my abuse and it was like a white light surrounded me and woke me completely up.  I could see again and feel again, and I knew what I wanted, what I needed and what I would accept.   I just needed to learn how to communicate it as I still had the social skills of a child.  I had been asleep, and the world had really changed. It was different, I saw it in a different way. I could see what was real and what was fake and there was validation in it. My good friend said she had heard what I was talking about referenced as “sleepwalking” through life.  I had essentially learned the skills to survive and cope during crisis, but I had stored the knowledge necessary to allow me to grow deep in my subconscious.  I was awake but sleeping, what a concept. 

When all of this came into clarity for me I was sitting with my psychiatrist Dr. Thirlwell and her friend Celyne and we were talking about how positive thinking really does change things and if we think our lives are shit, they will be and that every single person has the ability to manifest what they desire most but most people are veiled to this.  Asleep.  I had the good fortune of being able to wake up and see clearly.  I then realized that I had truly manifested what I most desired as a child, I became my own version of Sleeping Beauty.  I had gone to sleep and raised my children while doing this and woke up at the same age as them mentally, emotionally and developmentally.  I am physically older than them, their mother but my brain stayed stuck.  My youngest son says he describes me to his friends as “An adult with a child-like mind.”  I see this as a good thing, not a bad.  He sees me and accepts me even with all the mistakes I made.  He understands so that cannot mean that I did a horrible job raising him.  I never wanted my children to end up like me, just like I never wanted to be my Mom but honestly if they have a little bit of me in them, I will be very proud. I do have values and I cannot change the past, all I can do now is lead by example and manifest beautiful things with words of gratitude and thankfulness.  I can live my dreams, I can imagine things into existence.  I can make something (me) out of nothing (what I thought I was) which I have been doing since I woke up.

#RenegadeLightworker

Make your dreams a reality

Noah~DV Boss Style

Most people have heard the Bible story of Noah and the flood and how he and his wife, and their three sons gathered the animals 2 by 2 and saved them on the Ark he had been instructed to build.  Noah saved mankind by keeping the animals safe and then his family repopulated the Earth after the waters subsided.  Every culture has a flood story and because I know this I thought it would be pertinent to share my own Noah story.  Its not quite the same as the flood story in the Bible and there is no real flood other than emotions and tears but there is a puppy involved so an animal is accounted for.

I moved to a new city because I was fleeing a domestic violence situation and was in fear.  I knew very few people in this new city and felt like a kid in grade one at a new school and was extremely socially awkward.  My PTSD and anxiety were on super high alert and I was in constant panic mode. I was jumpy, I was on edge, I was angry, I was aggressive, and I was sad because I knew I wasn’t myself.  I was in a pain I had never been in physically and my brain was scrambled.  I didn’t know if I was coming or going half of the time.  My childhood friend who I trusted implicitly because of our pasts was very busy and knew someone that lived near the new building I lived in and asked him to befriend me.  This kind Soul bore the name Noah.  I had never met anyone named Noah and this young man lived up to his namesake.  He was not the kind of person you would want to mess with, he looked kind of rough around the edges which I guess on the exterior makes him look unapproachable, but this kid had a heart of gold.  He will tell you that he did nothing for me, but you know what he did, he listened.  He let me vent and he acknowledged my feelings. He let me feel them.  He didn’t tell me they were wrong.  He often said, “I am sorry you feel that way Dawn, that must be hard.”  I had never had anyone say anything other than feeling was wrong or that I wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. I questioned my own feelings thinking they were wrong because other people had not wanted to deal with them as they made them uncomfortable or they didn’t feel the same way.  Just because you don’t feel the same way doesn’t mean you dismiss the way someone else feels.  Noah made me feel like it was alright to feel, and I finally felt like I had a real friend.  I had made a couple, but this was someone who took time to listen to me when I was sad and sometimes stopped everything to talk to me for a few minutes to calm me down and then would check on me as soon as he wasn’t busy.

I was not adjusting to my new life so well and it was taking a turn for the worse.  I wanted all my pain to end and I wanted everything to be over.  I had been abused, taken advantage of, lost almost everything and I did not want to live anymore.  It was late at night and I had no where to go and I had my puppy, a beautiful female German Shepard named Dutchess Von Dee. I wanted to end it all and I called Noah.  He had just gone to bed and had only been asleep for about 40 minutes.  This guy lived a busy life and hardly did anything for himself including sleep.  He tried to talk me down and into going back to my apartment, but I could not go back to my 11th floor apartment, I wanted to jump out the windows and there were 5 floor to ceiling door/windows just calling my name.  I had already put several cuts in my wrist, but they were not deep, they just reminded me I was still alive, and this was all real.  Noah brought me into where he was staying and listened to me ramble about not wanting to be here anymore.  He knew I had an appointment with my therapist the next morning and if he could just get me through to that I would be okay.  He called my childhood friend who could not do anything as he was busy with his family so Noah stayed with me until I had to go to my appointment.  He made me go to sleep as he knew I had not had much and needed to drive an hour to my appointment.  He made me feel safe. He made me feel important and he taught me a very important lesson that night.  I didn’t want to do it anymore because I did not believe in myself.  I did not think I was important.  The lesson he drilled into my head that morning was that other people believed in me like him.  Other people thought I was important.  He instilled into me by making me repeat over and over

“Noah thinks I can.” 

He said if I don’t think I can I must repeat “Noah thinks I can.”  This was a bad ass dude and he believed in me.  He knew I could accomplish it, even when I doubted myself. I had no faith in me, but Noah did.  He could see me.  Noah helped me with my puppy and helped me even when he didn’t have to.  I drove all the way to my appointment with my therapist that day saying, “Noah thinks I can, Noah thinks I can,” He became my little train that could.  I got there, and my therapist took over.  I had never been so grateful that I had a friend who cared enough to forgo sleep and listen to me vent and cry to keep me alive.  He let me start to get it out and it is still a work in progress. 

I told Noah I would repay his kindness in someway and that I was forever in his debt.  He was extremely chivalrous and said it was not necessary, but I never forget a good deed and my Soul was saved that day because he cared enough to save it.  Life did not go so good for Noah because of a series of unfortunate circumstances but when I went to try to help (no one would listen to me as a Woman) I got to meet his family.  I met his father and expressed my gratitude at what his Son had done to keep a Veteran alive. I also met his friend Joe who is also a caring and compassionate Soul.  I keep doing what I can for Noah who just had a beautiful Son himself because I am a loyal and dedicated friend.  I got to meet his wife and Son and even hold the beautiful little boy. Although I was rather disappointed he didn’t come out with a full beard. I don’t care what anyone says about Noah, the World is a better place with him because he cared enough to save a girl he barely knew because he knew of her.  That deserves the utmost respect, which society does not see anymore.  They see people’s wrong-doing, their mistakes and they play on those.  They judge them on their pasts and assume they are the same people they were yesterday.  I am never the same person I was the day before because I learn from everyone I meet in person or online, and I have met many people who woke up one morning and said, “Enough of the bullshit, I want to change.” It is called an epiphany and being real.  Some refer to it as a Spiritual Awakening. It is also called dealing with your emotions. 

So, my Noah didn’t save the whole world and all its animals from a flood, but he saved me from drowning in my own negativity and self-doubt by believing in me enough for both of us.

#RenegadeLightworker