Tag HealingfromPTSD

 I wrote this a few years ago for another website that no longer exists. I thought it was an appropriate time to share it again. 

    When I finally decided to break free from the cycle of abuse that I had put myself in and open my eyes, I started to change.  I started to see that I no longer wanted to be treated bad no matter what anyone said.  I had been conditioned to keep my mouth shut and just take it, but I have not been very good at that. I learned that keeping my mouth shut and just taking the abuse made me very sick (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually).  I learned that I could only take so much abuse before I became a ticking timebomb, a virtual volcano, complete with spewing lava and I learned that I can be not so nice when backed into a corner.
     At first, I was running because of fear. I was afraid, but you see I wasn’t afraid my ex-husband would abuse me again. I was sure of that, 100% guaranteed. I knew that if it actually came down to it I was very strong, and he would not hurt me ever again. What I was afraid of is that he would suck me back in with his victim-conscious thinking and the blame game working on my guilt and my demons.  I was afraid that he would say he would change and start to and I would see the good in him again (the lost little boy I wanted to save), and I would go back to try to see it through and lose everything I had just gained in my new-found independence. 
     To completely break ties since the court did not seem to take 15 charges seriously I picked up and moved down the highway to the shores of Lake Ontario and near the big city. In order to this I had to leave everything I felt comfortable with behind, except my personal belongings.  I had to sell my home that I had possessed for 16 years with my children very quickly and got screwed royally.  I had to leave my Grandmother and Father who lived around the corner, my children and my granddaughter to have a new life. A life to begin rebuilding my safety and security to finally heal from all my trauma. 
     This was huge for me.  I was an isolated person that really only went out into the big bad World once and got shit on badly. Every time I wanted to do something to help others I ended up more hurt.  I did not have a solid support system around me to do the things I had done.  When I moved I knew very few people (like 3 people where I lived). I felt like a new kid in school in grade one with very bad social anxiety and extremely socially awkward.  I honestly at 45 did not know how to act around people.  I had been isolated with my children and I had quite honestly never grown up, I had just managed to get by.  I had become my Son’s friend, not their Mother.  So, I had to start learning about who I really was and what I really wanted.  It was time for a paradigm shift.  I had never met someone that was like me until I met someone who from the moment I met him felt like my real brother, my real family (ironically, he has the same birthday as my real brother). My new-found brother welcomed me into his family and made me feel included.  He warmed my heart by telling me he didn’t care for me because of what had happened to me, he cared for me, who I actually was and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like the cover girl for RAPE.  He accepted me, all of me and made sure I knew I was not just an abused Woman. I was strong and courageous and brave.  I had had very little encouragement in my life and the little bit he gave me allowed me to rebuild my confidence and start to come out of my shell.  I started to spread my new tattooed wings and fly a little. I feel like a baby bird, just learning but hey at least I’m trying. Because of my new Brother I met some other people in his family and one older gentleman changed the way I looked at my whole life.  He had FTWBIFU tattooed on his fingers.  I inquisitively inquired like I always do.  I knew the FTW was “Fuck the World” but what were the other 4 letters.  He told me “Before It Fucks You.”  I thought well the World already fucked me so now I’m gonna go for another round and win this time.  He also told me one time when I was really feeling lonely and I said my biggest fear was being alone that
“when you are alone is when you learn how to get shit done”
    I started to think about my life and even though I had the boys I had always managed to get shit done.  Me, I had done it, alone.  My previous husband’s and the father of my oldest Son had certainly not helped me one bit.  They did not get my degree working full time.  They did not keep the roof over my kids’ head.  They did not have to deal with all the problems of being a street Mom. I had done it all. I had raised my boys (now 21 and 24) mostly alone (grandparents did help out a bit). I fed and kept track of all their friends and even though I placed myself in a self-imposed prison I accomplished it all.  I also broke free.  I broke free or spoke out every single time I was abused, and I realized I needed to start loving myself and acknowledging my successes instead of dwelling on every failure or mistake I made.
Every mistake I may think I have made is actually a blessing in disguise, because I have learned from it.  I have learned what my boundaries actually are, what I will accept, what I won’t and I have accepted that life won’t always be rainbows and lollipops but I am finally attracting the people in my life that I always wanted because I am finally being myself and it turns out there are some out there that actually like me for me.  A straight shooter, who will tell it how it is, love me or hate me, I guarantee I can make you laugh….

If you have experienced violence and/or abuse in any form please remember you are not alone and there are others who understand. 

The Tale of The Walls

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow those walls down because I want what you have.”

“I will take your power your innocence and leave you feeling a living dead girl broken and not able to see your own light.”

At a very young age I had my “NO” taken away and learned you need it to hide your true self. Put on a smile, do what you’re told, suck it up, be a good girl, and big girls don’t cry.

I was born into a family where most could not see my gifts and forced me to suppress them and those that saw my specialness decided to greedily take a piece of it for themselves.

Not able to verbalize what was going on or chastitized for telling the truth, I built a wall of straw because I knew I needed protection. This wall was to protect me from my family because although they were supposed to protect me they failed to do so as they had their own issues add their own issues. Alcoholism, abandonment, and abuse left me with an insecure attachment and not knowing what love or acceptance looked like. I did not know where I fit in or where I belonged. I knew I was a part of my family, I looked like them, talked like them, liked what they liked, but I did not feel like one of them.

Those walls broke down easily and at school and in the community, I learned you needed stronger walls. So, I built walls of sticks and wood. Teachers can be cruel. They have their favorites and succeeding doesn’t get you anywhere if someone has slapped a label on you.

Difficult, hard to handle, too emotional, not a good role model, and not good enough to be Valedictorian despite straight A’s.

It was better to judge me or call me names and degrade me then find out what was really going on with me or show some interest in my life or well being.

A desire to be a part of something beggar, to see the world, to be of service to humanity, and a thirst for knowledge led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces. A quest to hopefully get educated enough to become a doctor.

I built walls of brick in attempt to be Bad-Ass, tough and able to take on anything. I wanted to be the best me possible and be all I could be.  A defender, a protector, a leader, and a helper. Children that don’t feel wanted, grow up and often go into professions where they feel needed.

Well in the military they know how to blow things up and friendly fire on domestic territory left me and my walls of bricks shattered into a million pieces and a desire for safety and security that led me to run for a safe room.

Betrayed, abandoned, rejected yet again and conditioned to believe I was a bad person, that things were my fault, and I was a failure I then locked myself in a safe room metaphorically where the only way anyone could get near me was if I invited them in. Letting people into my safe room was not a successful way to move forward.  Those I invited in brought their trauma, issues and conditioning into my safe room with them making the environment toxic, negative and full of bitterness and ungratefulness.

I wanted better. I wanted to move forward and go from surviving to thriving. I began to understand my vulnerability was my strength. My adversity had made me resilient and able to overcome any obstacle. When I started to tear down my walls and be true to myself, I started to accept myself and love myself. 

I found a way to leave the safe room and face the Big Bad World. By conquering fears, wanting change and more for myself I was able to transform my hurt to lessons. By challenging myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable I can transmute the darkness to light. I can finally step into my power by taking control of my feelings, my actions, my behaviors, and by being accountable to myself. I fall down a lot without the security of 4 walls protecting me but they only kept me in a Box where I could not see my true potential. I could only see shadows and glimpses of what could be. I was looking through the window of my safe room watching the Big Bad World but not participating. 

I feel so I can deal than I can heal. I left the safe room and I’m finally free to be the real me.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

I was a caterpillar,
crawling through life;
when I found a beautiful plant
and spun my cocoon.
As I metamorphasisized
and grew my wings,
I thought about
how grateful I was,
for the hibernation.
For I had only experienced life
from one perspective.
When my wings had grown,
The struggle began
as I broke free from the confines
of my cocoon.
I thought of how the fight and the change;
no matter how hard it was,
no matter how much it hurt,
no matter how much pain it caused,
was going to be worth it.
I was no longer
going to see the world
just from the ground.
When the time finally came
and I spread my wings,
I could fly.
Bright, bold and rainbow
I used my wings
to fly high.
I let the wind
blow me around.
I was happy.
I needed to learn,
and then when I
established control,
I could see from above
and
I could fly down below and
I could sit on
a plant like before.
I could see the world
from 2 different
perspectives,
and it allowed me
to be free.
The watcher and
the experiencer.
The best of both worlds.
Once I could fly,
I never once
looked back on
the struggle in the cocoon.
I had a whole new way
to look at everything.

This is me and my brother Andy. His birthday is 8 days before mine and we are what is known as Irish twins. Born within a year of each other.
Now the reason I am posting this is because I see a serious flaw I would like to point out. My brother has his dukes up. He was taught that, to be a little fighter and believe me, him and I got into some pretty crazy battles so I learned quick. When we were young my Dad would put the boxing gloves on us and then we would fight. When I started to win it was game over. Couldn’t have the girl beating up the boy. Then Andy got taught he should be a lover not a fighter… Yah well this isn’t about him so we can stop right there.
I got to sit in the background as the girl and hear all these things but I was expected to put on the dress and act differently. It’s un-ladylike to want to fight, it’s not very girly-girl to act that way. So from the start there was a double standard I have had to fight. I have fought so hard to get where I am. I have fought to expose the truth, I have fought to find myself and I have fought for the rights of others to be treated fairly. I have fought for love, love that wasn’t even worth fighting for because fighting was what I knew. I had to fight myself to finally love myself. I am the black sheep of the family for doing what is right because it’s the right thing to do and it’s OK. I cannot fit into a World I was not meant to fit into.
I was taught to be passive, submissive, unasserting, non-resistant, docile. meek, non-aggressive and afraid while my brother got taught right from the start to be dominant and aggressive. Had I not had my Brother I would not have learned how to be a fighter. I also thought that as a girl watching Disney someone was going to rescue me but nope, had to do that myself as well.
I am learning that while I still need to stand up for myself, it is OK to not fight the battle, just let it go as well. Feel the pain, surrender to it and deal. It’s not pretty but the other side sure is…. The other side of the pain, when you realize how beautiful and worthwhile you are, what your value is and the only person you need to impress is yourself.

There are a lot of people out there

that take one side and judge.

They see the view of one person only.

They are anti this and pro that.

There is their way or the highway.

They quickly weed their circle of friends

of anyone that does not share

their grandiose views and opinions.

They fail to see any World

except the one they live in.

They are sometimes irrational in their beliefs

and cannot actually tell you

why they are standing that ground.

These people fail to take personal accountability

or admit any wrongdoings.

---

Then there are the rare gems in the crowd.

That look outside the box,

they get a feel for others,

they listen to all involved.

These diamonds in a World of coal

cannot even form an opinion

as they see the story from all angles.

The big picture presents itself to them,

the consequences, the reprecussions, the wholeness.

These are the people

that fight for the freedom

for you to be your authentic self,

for you to believe what you believe.

These people are the ones

that would lay down their life

to protect truth and innocence.

If they could take your suffering away,

They would.

These are often the outcasts of Society,

The Black Sheep, The Witch, The Crazy Ones.

The ones the majority of Society snubs

because they don’t “Get them.”

These are your Angels, your Gods, your Goddesses,

your Brothers, Sisters, Mothers, and Fathers.

That you have abandoned, forsaken and betrayed.

These are the ones that are still willing

to show you the way

with patience, non-judgment

and LOVE.

Sharing my truth, sharing my journey. One day at a time. I hope to help others realize that their dreams will always come true, sometimes you just take a different path.

#RenegadeLightworker

A few months ago I had the pleasure of coming into contact with a beautiful Soul named Skully. An epic beauty on Facebook had seen some of my posts and reached out to me saying that she thought that Skully could use someone like me to be a writer for her. We connected and had way more in common than we could have ever thought and I checked out the amazing website she had created. It can be found at:

http://dollzbydezign.ca/

Skully knew that I was a writer and that I had isolated myself badly due to the abuse in my life (the agoraphobia did not help) and I think in some ways she wanted to help bring me out of my shell a bit because she saw potential. A potential I was only beginning to see. I had been writing for years but it was all on paper. The only writing I had on my laptop that I could send her was poetry or my 660 page book but I did not want to overwhelm the Woman, jesus I had just met her. Poetry wasn’t really what she was all about so I read some of the other blogs on her site and I set about writing my first piece for something other than school for her. She had inspired me and I would like to share the link.

http://dollzbydezign.ca/dawn-mcilmoyle/breaking-free-by-dawn-mcilmoyle/

I found out that Skully had created an event for this summer and it is The World’s Largest All Female Burnout World Record Attempt on July 6, 2019 in Smith Falls, Ontario. She has been working hard promoting this event at various functions and gathering others to participate in this event while putting it all together. This is extremely comendable. The All Female Burnout is being sponsored by Pace Law Firm and Mary McGee AMA Motorcycle Hall of Fame Inductee will be present at this event. I personally have had my M2 but let it expire and Skully inspired me to get it again so I can participate in this event and be a part of something bigger. If you are interested in this event I am putting a link to the Facebook Page that she has created. Check it out.

https://www.facebook.com/events/528289907568556/

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Peace, Friendship and Respect to All

#RenegadeLightworker

As a Veteran (although my career was shortlived) I learned some incredible skills of overcoming and adapting. I may not have had the longest career but I never lost my desire to Serve and have done so through many different avenues (volunteering, my choice of employment, my family status). My path has not been an easy one, nor has many of my friends. Many of my friends that Served have suffered some form of catastrophic trauma yet they continue on despite it. They suffer (sometimes siliently) yet they do not know how to “Not Serve.” This can cause severe isolation or sometimes a person overburdening themselves with caring often to their own detriment.
I have found that most need to Serve in some way as part of their healing journey and I feel that if broken Veterans (or their family members/caregivers) who have gone through or witnessed hell still have a desire to Serve they should begin in their Communities and show the rest of the World that no matter what we have gone through we still continue to shine and be the leaders we all knew we were going to be when we joined and before the incident (whatever that was).
Volunteer in your Community in some manner, offer the expertise you have (even if it is just about life) to someone else. Children are an excellent avenue. Get involved somewhere, it does not have to be with other Veterans, it can just be with your Community.
You have a knowledge that no one else in your Community has. It is called real-life knowledge. Instead of sitting around dwelling on the negativity, take that pain and go out and do something about it. Make sure the next generation or the people around you know that no matter what life did to you, you survived and you continue to keep going. You are a true Warrior and an example for others.
Be a Leader in your Community and be the change you always wanted to see.

#RenegadeLightworker

I manifested what I desired most when I was a child.  I fell in love with the tale of Sleeping Beauty and the little Princess Aurora.  I wanted to fall asleep and get awoken with the kiss of a handsome Prince and live happily ever after.  You see Aurora was also the Roman name of the Goddess of the Dawn and this intrigued me like never before.  I wanted to be her so badly.  I can remember listening to the record on my tiny record player and turning the pages in the book when the little bell went off. I dreamed of this, I escaped to it. 

Books became my go-to.  I loved reading and I loved to write. I can remember the librarian telling me that I should never judge a book by its cover and she would read the stories I wrote to the class during library time. When things got bad I could escape into a book, become the main character and use my imagination.  I loved myths and fairy tales and saw them as real, I never thought someone would spend the time writing down something that wasn’t true in the past.  I could tell the difference between fiction and non-fiction.  I knew from a very young age that even those fiction romance novels had some basis and came from somewhere.

I suffered several splits in my personality due to trauma at various stages of my life and when I was 19 I suffered a catastrophic split that essentially put me to sleep developmentally.  A fracture in my psyche basically kept me at the age of 19 and I was going through life, learning, living, surviving but never mentally growing.  I was attaining knowledge but storing it for future reference.  I was functioning but not at the level I always wanted to.  I wasn’t excelling, I was not growing, I was stuck, and I knew it.  I was in a prison in my mind just waiting to break out. If that prison wasn’t bad enough I put my mind into a state of solitary confinement to protect what was left of my innocence and my inner child that always seemed to get hurt. I allowed people to hurt me but constantly broke free of them, just not myself.  I could not open the door to that cell because I was not ready.  I had to raise my children. They had become my purpose, but I didn’t have very many tools in my toolbox and I did the best that I could with what I had.  When they were young it was easy because I loved to do things that kids liked to do.  I took them to baseball, I had them in Beavers and Cubs.  They both played Lacrosse. We often went fishing and I took them to family gatherings with my parents.  I carried a huge guilt because I was in school full-time learning to be a Registered Nurse and I was working full time to support them because my pension from Veteran’s Affairs was not enough and at this time they did not pay for education. After I finished my education because I was a Nurse I often had to work nights, weekends, holidays and my boys paid the price. Because I was busy trying to keep the roof over my son’s head and provide for them they became more dependant on their social circle and I then became a street mom, which I did not mind because I loved the company and it was like I had my own little wolf pack and I was the Den Leader.  I got denied my chance to be a leader in the Military but here maybe I could mould some young minds. What I didn’t realize is when my children were teenagers I was developmentally still a teenager, sort of frozen in time.   I became a friend to my children instead of their mother and there were major respect issues.  I look back and I had been taught to not respect myself so how could I have ever taught my Son’s to respect me. I had no self-worth, no self-esteem and didn’t think I was competent or capable due to my conditioning from my family, my teachers, and society in general.

When my youngest Son turned 18 there was an actual physical separation between my Sons’ and I which I needed. A break from the teenage world I had been submersed in and was stuck.  I moved to the Reserve to be with what I thought was my Prince Charming, the man who was going to ride out of the sunset and save me and essentially, he did, but not in true story book fashion.  You see I had failed to read Blackbeard or maybe I did and just never thought it would happen to me (although it already had twice). I started to finally settle and feel safe and reconnect with my environment.  I started to feel at peace and come out of my cocoon or self-imposed prison just a little bit.  I started in a controlled environment of going back to University again.  I enrolled in Indigenous Studies and I started to see my children again but began to establish boundaries which they are still learning to adjust to and I began by aggressively setting them. 

My moment of waking up did not come from a kiss by my Prince, it was a blow to the head via cell phone.  It was a culmination of all my abuse and it was like a white light surrounded me and woke me completely up.  I could see again and feel again, and I knew what I wanted, what I needed and what I would accept.   I just needed to learn how to communicate it as I still had the social skills of a child.  I had been asleep, and the world had really changed. It was different, I saw it in a different way. I could see what was real and what was fake and there was validation in it. My good friend said she had heard what I was talking about referenced as “sleepwalking” through life.  I had essentially learned the skills to survive and cope during crisis, but I had stored the knowledge necessary to allow me to grow deep in my subconscious.  I was awake but sleeping, what a concept. 

When all of this came into clarity for me I was sitting with my psychiatrist Dr. Thirlwell and her friend Celyne and we were talking about how positive thinking really does change things and if we think our lives are shit, they will be and that every single person has the ability to manifest what they desire most but most people are veiled to this.  Asleep.  I had the good fortune of being able to wake up and see clearly.  I then realized that I had truly manifested what I most desired as a child, I became my own version of Sleeping Beauty.  I had gone to sleep and raised my children while doing this and woke up at the same age as them mentally, emotionally and developmentally.  I am physically older than them, their mother but my brain stayed stuck.  My youngest son says he describes me to his friends as “An adult with a child-like mind.”  I see this as a good thing, not a bad.  He sees me and accepts me even with all the mistakes I made.  He understands so that cannot mean that I did a horrible job raising him.  I never wanted my children to end up like me, just like I never wanted to be my Mom but honestly if they have a little bit of me in them, I will be very proud. I do have values and I cannot change the past, all I can do now is lead by example and manifest beautiful things with words of gratitude and thankfulness.  I can live my dreams, I can imagine things into existence.  I can make something (me) out of nothing (what I thought I was) which I have been doing since I woke up.

#RenegadeLightworker

Make your dreams a reality