Tag Living with PTSD

The Tale of The Walls

The Tale of The Walls

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow those walls down because I want what you have.”

“I will take your power your innocence and leave you feeling a living dead girl broken and not able to see your own light.”

At a very young age I had my “NO” taken away and learned you need it to hide your true self. Put on a smile, do what you’re told, suck it up, be a good girl, and big girls don’t cry.

I was born into a family where most could not see my gifts and forced me to suppress them and those that saw my specialness decided to greedily take a piece of it for themselves.

Not able to verbalize what was going on or chastitized for telling the truth, I built a wall of straw because I knew I needed protection. This wall was to protect me from my family because although they were supposed to protect me they failed to do so as they had their own issues add their own issues. Alcoholism, abandonment, and abuse left me with an insecure attachment and not knowing what love or acceptance looked like. I did not know where I fit in or where I belonged. I knew I was a part of my family, I looked like them, talked like them, liked what they liked, but I did not feel like one of them.

Those walls broke down easily and at school and in the community, I learned you needed stronger walls. So, I built walls of sticks and wood. Teachers can be cruel. They have their favorites and succeeding doesn’t get you anywhere if someone has slapped a label on you.

Difficult, hard to handle, too emotional, not a good role model, and not good enough to be Valedictorian despite straight A’s.

It was better to judge me or call me names and degrade me then find out what was really going on with me or show some interest in my life or well being.

A desire to be a part of something beggar, to see the world, to be of service to humanity, and a thirst for knowledge led me to join the Canadian Armed Forces. A quest to hopefully get educated enough to become a doctor.

I built walls of brick in attempt to be Bad-Ass, tough and able to take on anything. I wanted to be the best me possible and be all I could be.  A defender, a protector, a leader, and a helper. Children that don’t feel wanted, grow up and often go into professions where they feel needed.

Well in the military they know how to blow things up and friendly fire on domestic territory left me and my walls of bricks shattered into a million pieces and a desire for safety and security that led me to run for a safe room.

Betrayed, abandoned, rejected yet again and conditioned to believe I was a bad person, that things were my fault, and I was a failure I then locked myself in a safe room metaphorically where the only way anyone could get near me was if I invited them in. Letting people into my safe room was not a successful way to move forward.  Those I invited in brought their trauma, issues and conditioning into my safe room with them making the environment toxic, negative and full of bitterness and ungratefulness.

I wanted better. I wanted to move forward and go from surviving to thriving. I began to understand my vulnerability was my strength. My adversity had made me resilient and able to overcome any obstacle. When I started to tear down my walls and be true to myself, I started to accept myself and love myself. 

I found a way to leave the safe room and face the Big Bad World. By conquering fears, wanting change and more for myself I was able to transform my hurt to lessons. By challenging myself to be comfortable with being uncomfortable I can transmute the darkness to light. I can finally step into my power by taking control of my feelings, my actions, my behaviors, and by being accountable to myself. I fall down a lot without the security of 4 walls protecting me but they only kept me in a Box where I could not see my true potential. I could only see shadows and glimpses of what could be. I was looking through the window of my safe room watching the Big Bad World but not participating. 

I feel so I can deal than I can heal. I left the safe room and I’m finally free to be the real me.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-Renegade Lightworker

-August 2021

Victim, Survivour, Hero

I am not a Victim

because I have been

blamed, objectified, dominated, supressed,

seen as a possession or trophy,

had aggression taken out on,

been used as a toy,

and disposed of like a paper plate

when no longer useful.

I am not a Survivour

because I have endured

childhood abuse, sexual abuse,

physical and psychological abuse,

domestic violence, systemic discrimination,

spiritual manipulation, sexual abuse in the military,

assault by police officers, conditioning of fault,

 or uncalled for judgements and public shaming.

I am not a Hero

for sharing my story

so others do not feel so alone.

I recognize I am not the only one and

want to use my pain for purpose

so that something good can come

from the trauma that was imposed upon me.

I only want to turn my darkness to light.

Not outshine anyone.

I have made some bad decisions and choices,

and I have had some imposed upon me.

My choice and my power taken

so that someone else

could feel better about themselves.

These experiences happened.

Good and bad.

It is my responsibility to learn from the pain,

to set boundaries

and to know

what I will and will not accept.

Those that harmed me

have their own journey,

and I have mine.

I will take the knowledge I have gained

from the lessons of hurt and sorrow,

and turn it into wisdom,

So that I can learn

to empower myself to

love, accept and finally believe in

ME.

-Dawn McIlmoyle

-July 2021

I was a caterpillar

I was a caterpillar,
crawling through life;
when I found a beautiful plant
and spun my cocoon.
As I metamorphasisized
and grew my wings,
I thought about
how grateful I was,
for the hibernation.
For I had only experienced life
from one perspective.
When my wings had grown,
The struggle began
as I broke free from the confines
of my cocoon.
I thought of how the fight and the change;
no matter how hard it was,
no matter how much it hurt,
no matter how much pain it caused,
was going to be worth it.
I was no longer
going to see the world
just from the ground.
When the time finally came
and I spread my wings,
I could fly.
Bright, bold and rainbow
I used my wings
to fly high.
I let the wind
blow me around.
I was happy.
I needed to learn,
and then when I
established control,
I could see from above
and
I could fly down below and
I could sit on
a plant like before.
I could see the world
from 2 different
perspectives,
and it allowed me
to be free.
The watcher and
the experiencer.
The best of both worlds.
Once I could fly,
I never once
looked back on
the struggle in the cocoon.
I had a whole new way
to look at everything.

Reflections part one

This is me and my brother Andy. His birthday is 8 days before mine and we are what is known as Irish twins. Born within a year of each other.
Now the reason I am posting this is because I see a serious flaw I would like to point out. My brother has his dukes up. He was taught that, to be a little fighter and believe me, him and I got into some pretty crazy battles so I learned quick. When we were young my Dad would put the boxing gloves on us and then we would fight. When I started to win it was game over. Couldn’t have the girl beating up the boy. Then Andy got taught he should be a lover not a fighter… Yah well this isn’t about him so we can stop right there.
I got to sit in the background as the girl and hear all these things but I was expected to put on the dress and act differently. It’s un-ladylike to want to fight, it’s not very girly-girl to act that way. So from the start there was a double standard I have had to fight. I have fought so hard to get where I am. I have fought to expose the truth, I have fought to find myself and I have fought for the rights of others to be treated fairly. I have fought for love, love that wasn’t even worth fighting for because fighting was what I knew. I had to fight myself to finally love myself. I am the black sheep of the family for doing what is right because it’s the right thing to do and it’s OK. I cannot fit into a World I was not meant to fit into.
I was taught to be passive, submissive, unasserting, non-resistant, docile. meek, non-aggressive and afraid while my brother got taught right from the start to be dominant and aggressive. Had I not had my Brother I would not have learned how to be a fighter. I also thought that as a girl watching Disney someone was going to rescue me but nope, had to do that myself as well.
I am learning that while I still need to stand up for myself, it is OK to not fight the battle, just let it go as well. Feel the pain, surrender to it and deal. It’s not pretty but the other side sure is…. The other side of the pain, when you realize how beautiful and worthwhile you are, what your value is and the only person you need to impress is yourself.

Respect

I could be your Sister,

I could be your Cousin,

I could be your Daughter,

I could be your Mother,

I could be your Aunt,

I could be your Grandmother,

I could be your wife/girlfriend/significant other,

I could be your friend,

I could be the girl next door,

I could be your boss,

I could be the homeless Woman,

Or

I could be the girl on the street looking for a better way.

I could be all these things

For as a Woman

I represent all of these.

I ask you, “when you see a woman,

         What is the first thing you think?”

Most people notice the attraction factor which judges

Their perception as they see the Woman as an object.

“She’s high maintenance”

“She’s hard to handle”

“Hit her and quit her”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Yet it is subject to likes, wants, and desires.

True beauty goes beyond the outside shell.

True beauty comes from within.

The shell of the human body is like a car

And what really matters is under the hood.

The parts you do not see,

Unless you take the time to lift the hood

And see the mechanisms of power.

If I was not seen as

an object,

a prized possession,

A trophy,

something to own,

And instead seen as a human being,

Complete with experiences, feelings, and emotions.

Then you may start to see me as a Woman

And someone you can relate to.

We judge appearances, looks, hairstyles, fashion, and sexuality

And continually look for acceptance and reward

From others.

Diminishing our true selves just to fit in.

Our desire to compete and want what others want

Leads to mindless consumption and the desire

To be someone else takes us far from

Our natural state of self-enlightenment.

This leads us to worship those who we see as “better”

Then ourselves and not to delve deeply into who we really are.

You choose to see me based on your

Attitudes, values, and experiences,

But imagine seeing ME.

Not my face, or my body

But seeing me as someone you care about.

Would you treat your grandmother, mother, sister, niece, or Aunt

The way you are about to treat me?

Ask yourself what is the difference?

Why does one woman deserve your love and affection and yet someone you have never met deserves your judgement and disdain.

We are all related.

We are all one.

We are all the same.

We are unique cells in a multi-organed vessel

         Called Mother Earth.

We need to find the love.

We need to find the peace.

We need to evolve and end the cycles of hate and war as war does not bring peace.

I want to be respected

As do most Women.

Those that do not want respect have been

Taught they do not deserve it.

They have submitted to their objectivity and cannot see

         Their value and worth.

They do not have self-love and have not been taught to forgive

         Themselves for the shame they feel for this submission

         And repeat the cycle continually.

They have boundary issues and do not know what respect feels like. 

Acceptance of self is of utmost importance,

Yet in this competition fueled, external reward filled,

         Addiction-loving world

Seeks acceptance form everywhere but self and within.

Respecting yourself and knowing what you need

         Starts deep within and requires listening to your

         Inner voice.

Not the voice of others trying to program you with their own

 conditioning and programming.

Your opinion is the only one that should matter to you.

Would you call your mother those names?

Would you point out all your grandmother’s faults to her?

Would you rape your sister?

Why would you do it to another woman?

See the sameness in them.

Respect the Feminine.

Women give life, they give comfort, they have wisdom/

Women have compassion and see the cycle that needs to

         Be broken.

All Women have a right to be respected

         In the way you respect your family members.

If we saw everyone as connected and family

We may be more willing to overlook what we do not understand

         And make more of an effort to learn.

@renegadelightworker

-Dawn McIlmoyle

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom

Same shit,
Different day
Living the dream
Chasing the dragon.
But one day 
You realize
It’s not your dream
You don’t even know who you are.
The mirror reflects
A stranger
Full of guilt and shame
For not knowing better
You realize
The dragon you have been chasing
Lives within and feeds on knowledge.
You hit the floor
Thinking of all the loss,
The pain,
The suffering.
Yours and all that you have caused.
You know there is a better way
You want change, yet
That change scares the fuck out of you
And you hit rock bottom
The place where all the walls
Have come crashing down.
All the barriers
All the things that didn’t work
All the lessons.
Look around at rock bottom.
Take the best memories out of those rocks,
Leave all the irrelevant shit
And Rebuild.
The way you choose
They way you always wanted
And be true to you
Be magnificent
Be the you, 
You wanted to be 
Before life got in the way.
It’s never to late to discover 
Who you truly are.

@renegadelightworker

End the Stigma~Part One

So many people judge what they cannot see and what they do not know. They react to someone with disdain or sarcasm without knowing one thing about that person. These are the fake people who walk around thinking they are above others and have no compassion. If you see someone with an obvious disability you often feel compelled to assist in some way but what about people who have invisible injuries, like post traumatic stress injury, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, diabetes and many other things.
Stress takes its toll on everyone and some of these people are on their last legs and pretending really good so that others don’t worry about them or put them down.
Life is hard enough, before you judge, look down upon, talk shit or demean someone look in the mirror and think about what gives you the right, you don’t even know them.
To all my friends and family that life has knocked down for a bit, I want you to know I understand and you are never alone and I will never judge you, no matter what you have done. The past is the past. Positive change is possible. Keep your chin up. Stand Tall. Be proud and have a most excellent day.

#RenegadeLightworker

Be the light

Let your light shine so others can see the way. Life is difficult enough.

Be positive and give someone a compliment. Remember that feeling you get when you make someone smile. Be gentle in your dominance. Sometimes people need to know what they are doing is wrong but you can tell them in a loving manner. I have always treated people the way I wanted to be treated. Until recently in my life I had not met many others that lived by this statement however, since I broke free and started climbing the stairs of life I have been staring at for a while things have been changing and I am starting to see what others have always seen.
I created my own darkness to protect myself and now want to shine as bright as I can so others will as well.
#letyourlightshine #RenegadeLightworker #OCG #leadbyexample #VeteransAssistingVeterans #VeteransAssistingCommunities
http://www.renegadelightworker.com

Renegade Lightworker

Life Lessons

Throughout my recovery process many people have said some very important things to me that aided me in comprehending why I am the way I am. I take the knowledge I get from people and reformulate it into a way that I will understand. Because these are my interpretations of what I have received from others, it is my duty to share. This is the principle of reciprocity. Knowledge is the true power and it was meant to be shared. I hope that you can relate to some of my blogs and some of my quotes and find your inner light and begin to live life again. If you are already living life to your fullest may you share your light so others can begin to see again.


I know that life isn’t easy and sometimes we need to be reminded of who we really are. I am here to tell you that when you really let your light shine and be who you were meant to be you start to attract beautiful things in your life.

#RenegadeLightworker